Why Not Me? Page 10

  “I can’t believe we won’t be coming home here anymore.” I look over at Brendan, fresh tears filling my eyes. I feel like I’ve cried more in the last few weeks than I have in the five years prior. “I know it didn’t work out, but I’ve loved these past six years with you. And I loved our home together.”

  Brendan wraps his arms around me, pulling me into a comforting hug. Possibly the last one I will ever receive from him. “I wouldn’t change any of it.”

  “Neither would I.” My voice is muffled by his shirt, but the words are true. I can’t imagine not having these six years with him as my partner. We’ve grown so much together and going in different directions is scary for us both.

  Brendan has been amazing to me in the weeks since that night. He’s dealt with the selling of the condo—with Dawn’s help. He’s dealt with the lawyers for splitting the sale, and he came with me when Dawn was showing me condos close to work at his insistence so he could check some of the things I might not think of. He also had a buddy of his inspect it for free before I put in my offer.

  My new home is freshly renovated and I got it below its appraised value because the owner is relocating for work. It was a steal of a deal, and Dawn was able to get me in there before the official listing was posted.

  In return, I took care of all the packing because he hates it, ensuring everything was organized and labelled. Heavy with guilt, I’m positive no moving boxes have been more organized than the ones currently being delivered to his new home. As far as break ups go, I feel like we could go down in history for how amicable it has been.

  We’ve spent nights reminiscing together. Our routine stayed the same, except Brendan slept on the hide-a-bed. There were tears shed, and we talked through any feelings that came up.

  “Do you think there’s anything we could have done differently?” Brendan sits on the opposite side of the couch from me, shadows heavy under his eyes.

  That’s the question I think we’ve both been struggling with, but there’s no scenario that I can think of that changes this outcome. Even if Landon hadn’t reappeared in my life, eventually we would’ve admitted that something is missing. I just wish I didn’t have that kiss hanging over us.

  Shaking my head I reply, “I don’t think so. I’ve thought about it over and over. Maybe if I didn’t have the history I do. Maybe if we had met in a different situation, we might have been perfect for each other. I think it just wasn’t meant to be, not in the way we both deserve.” The weight of his sadness presses down on me.

  “I guess I know that.” He sighs. “I recognize that I felt something was missing too, it’s just—I never expected us to end.”

  We sit in silence for a while.

  “I’m mad that you kissed Landon. Maybe not as mad as I should be, but mad just the same,” he bursts out. It’s the first time he’s brought it up, both of us not mentioning Landon for our own reasons.

  “I’m mad at me too.” The words are whispered, laced with pain.

  Landon and I crossed a line we promised we wouldn’t. It’s something I need to reconcile before I talk to him again.

  I haven’t spoken with Landon since I told him I needed to figure things out. Brendan and I needed this time, I needed to show him that there was more to ending this than some other guy, regardless of who that guy is to me.

  “Thank you, for everything. For staying you through all of this. In some ways it made it harder, you’re still the man I love, but I’m glad we’re not screaming and fighting. I’m glad we can part like this.” I pull out of his arms and wipe my eyes.

  “It’s like we’re grown ass adults who know how to communicate or something,” he replies wryly, making me laugh.

  We fall silent again, our gazes looking at the empty walls that once held so many of our memories.

  “Is Dawn meeting you at your place?” My voice is hoarse, raw from the emotions I can’t seem to keep contained.

  He nods, smiling at me. “She’s already there. I guess it wasn’t clean enough.”

  Blake and Dawn have also been incredible during this time. We hired Dawn as our realtor, her and Brendan working tirelessly to find the right buyer for our place and the right homes for us. They both helped me pack and now they’re each taking one of us and helping us get settled into our new places. It was important to me that neither of my friends felt they had to cut Brendan out of their lives, I think Dawn appreciated that since she and Brendan have always gotten along well.

  “Why doesn’t that surprise me?” I chuckle.

  Taking a deep breath, we walk through the home we built together one last time. I grab Brendan’s hand and squeeze it as we make sure nothing was left behind in the now empty rooms. Rooms that are full of memories.

  Grabbing my purse, I pull the handle up on my suitcase and follow Brendan out into the hall where he locks the door one last time. The click is loud, final.

  We look at each other in silence, no words able to express how we feel right now, before we walk away for the last time.

  “Ready?” Brendan asks, his eyes carrying all his sorrow.

  With a deep breath, I nod.

  Once we’re outside, Brendan opens the door to my car before clearing his throat. He holds the keys up. “I’ll give these to Dawn.”

  “Thank you,” I say softly, chewing on my lip.

  We both start laughing at the same time.

  “This is so weird.” I shake my head, stepping in to him and giving him a quick hug. “I’m always around, okay?”

  “I know.”

  I slide into my car, watching as he shuts the door behind me and steps up onto the curb. I wave goodbye, and head to my new home, my new reality.

  The door is shut on the life I had. There’s no turning back and it’s a frightening and liberating feeling. An odd calm settles through me as I distance myself from my old home, my old life. A calm that tells me I made the right decision. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make, one of the hardest goodbyes I’ve ever had to say, but it feels—good.

  My new condo is perfect. Dawn went above and beyond for me and Brendan. She sold our old place for exactly our asking price, which she high-balled. She found Brendan the perfect space with a home office that has built-in shelving and is separate from the rest of the home. That way he can arrange for clients to come to him instead of always going to them, something he’s dreamed of for a long time.

  And then there’s my condo. It opens into a spacious living room with floor to ceiling windows. The balcony runs along the entire side of my suite with floor to ceiling windows to enjoy my view from if it’s too cold for the balcony.

  The kitchen is off to one side, a nice u-shape with a large bar. To the side of that is a large laundry room and half bath for guests. My bedroom area is isolated with a wide hallway. It has a walk-in closet and large master bath.

  Every appliance is new. The countertops, cupboards, sinks, flooring, everything has been redone. And the paint is a gorgeous, muted sea green.

  Setting my purse on the floor, I wander through the boxes mentally checking that everything is here and in its place.

  Another way Dawn was my savior, she recommended the top three moving companies and we found one that would move both Brendan and me at the same time, for a reduced cost.

  I’m just cutting into the first box when Blake comes breezing in with a bottle of wine and two glasses.

  “Take out is ordered and on its way. I figured we’re going to need it, because I know you won’t rest until everything is in its place.” She smiles at me and I can’t help but smile back. She has helped hold me together, her presence completely judgment free.

  Blake is the more outgoing twin, her positive energy contagious and I need her to be her normal chatty self. That’s why she’s helping me. Brendan needs Dawn’s quiet reassurance, which is why she’s helping him.

  None of his buddies were free this weekend to make the transition, which I think he was a little relieved by.

  Taking
the now full glass, I go to take a sip when Blake tsks at me.

  “We need to make a toast first.” She raises her glass and her eyebrows until I do the same. “To new spaces, new journeys, and listening to your heart even when it hurts.”

  She clinks her glass against mine and lifts the glass to her lips. The red she’s chosen is bold and flavorful, somehow fitting with this new life I’m building.

  “Let’s get this party started.” She grins, taking out her phone and portable dock. “I made a playlist just for tonight.”

  An upbeat song about new beginnings and following your heart blares out of the speaker, giving me an idea of the vibe Blake is going for. It makes me smile and appreciate the effort that she’s gone through to make this transition a little easier on me.

  We dive into the boxes of kitchen stuff. Blake unpacks while I wipe everything down and find their new spots. The only thing I like about moving is organizing everything. I used to drive Brendan crazy with my penchant for rearranging furniture.

  Brendan insisted I take everything from the kitchen, so I insisted he take the living room furniture. We both decided to get new bedroom furniture, needing a fresh start in there. Neither of us felt right bringing it along, knowing the memories we shared purchasing the furniture together—and christening it together. The idea of crawling into the same bed I shared with Brendan when I’m trying to get a fresh start didn’t sit well with me. The rest of the belongings don’t hold quite the same memories, and it’s easier to look at a spoon and only see a spoon.

  Brendan had chosen the living room furniture, it wasn’t quite my taste, so splitting the household items the way we did worked for both of us. I spent way too much time shopping for a new couch set, but I found the perfect couch and loveseat in a weathered leather. Comfortable but easy to clean and the perfect size that if I want to move them to different spots in the room I can.

  By the time our takeout arrives, the kitchen is unpacked and organized. There are so many cupboards, I actually have a couple empty ones and the countertop is so spacious that my coffee pot and toaster barely take up any real estate. Blake may joke around, but the music she’s selected has kept us both pumped up and she’s been an unpacking machine.

  We take a breather and eat dinner picnic style on the living room floor, before tackling the bedroom, closet, and bath.

  I finally kick Blake out after midnight with only the living room left to deal with. My new furniture isn’t arriving until tomorrow afternoon, so I move the boxes to one wall and sit in the middle of the room with the lights off.

  The moon is full, filling the room with light. The house is quiet, every new creak startling me. When the fridge turns on, I jump. Taking a deep breath, I exhale on a laugh, mentally scolding myself. I’m going to have to get used to being here alone, but a part of me feels the hole not having Brendan around has created.

  My phone pings from the kitchen counter, its bright light contrasting with the natural glow of the moon.

  Brendan: I can’t sleep, every noise is so foreign.

  Me: I was just glaring at my fridge because it scared me.

  Brendan: I know we made the right choice, but it doesn’t feel that way right now. I miss you.

  Hugging my phone to my chest, I allow myself to feel the ache of sadness I’ve been ignoring all day. There were moments as I unpacked that made me want to turn to Brendan and ask if he remembered this or that, and he wasn’t there.

  Sighing, I shove to my feet, make sure everything is locked, and then head to my bedroom. Sitting on the foot of my new bed, I fall back onto my new blanket and write back.

  Me: I miss you too. I had moments throughout the day when I started to turn to you and you weren’t there. It was hard. This feels different than when we moved into our condo.

  Brendan: I think we were too distracted christening every room to notice the noises. And I had the same thing, I would open a box and remember a story . . .

  Me: Lol, I remember that. The next day at work I was exhausted and rocking the sexed-up look.

  Brendan: I guess we should say goodnight and face the silence.

  Me: I guess. Goodnight, Brendan.

  Brendan: Goodnight, Allie.

  Rolling off the bed, I plug my phone in and change into my pajamas. My bathroom echoes as I go through my nightly routine and I mentally add some decorations to my shopping list. It’s a large room and it feels empty. Lonely. Half of the counter is empty, the second sink looking bare without anything surrounding it. Closing my eyes, I fight back tears. This is the right choice, but the hole feels big. With a deep breath, I open my eyes and spread my stuff out across the entire counter until it doesn’t look like one half is waiting for its person.

  Shutting off the lights, I stare out the window and look at my new view. It’s beautiful, but foreign. Shivering, I finally crawl into bed and wrap myself into my new sheets, breathing in the smell of my laundry detergent. I’m exhausted and, despite the fact my bed feels empty, I fall asleep quickly.

  I’m soaking in my huge tub, contemplating everything that’s happened. If you would have asked me a year ago where I thought I’d be now, this wouldn’t even crack the top one hundred scenarios.

  My cell rings, interrupting my thoughts. Brendan’s name flashes across the screen.

  We’ve spoken periodically, out of loneliness and habit. It’s usually quick, amicable, with an abrupt goodbye because we don’t really know how to speak to each other anymore.

  “Hey. Is everything okay?” I answer. Things have been quiet, and I know we both need to start giving each other some space.

  “What does he have that I don’t? Why him? Why not me?” His voice is sharp, laced with hurt and anger.

  I breathe in deeply, my heart taking a beating by those questions and the sadness behind them. The worst part of all of this is the fact I hurt someone so close to me. That I caused someone to ask the same question that haunted me for so long.

  The room blurs as my eyes fill with tears and I try to formulate an answer that he deserves.

  “Nothing. He doesn’t have anything you’re missing. There was just a piece missing between you and me. I hate that you’re asking the same question that plagued me. In another life, maybe we would have been perfect for each other, but not this one. I’m sorry, Brendan. I wish things were different. I want you to know that. I wish with my whole being that I could turn a switch and our relationship could be everything that both of us need. I just can’t.” I choke up as I talk. Hearing his voice, it makes me realize how much I miss him, his friendship and the aspects of our relationship that we excelled at.

  “The end of us felt too easy. It was too smooth.” His voice is thick, the way it gets when he’s holding off tears.

  I laugh, the sound harsh in my own head. “I’ve never cried so much in my life. Trust me, Brendan, nothing about this has been easy.”

  He takes a deep breath. “I guess I know that. I just miss you, Allie. I fucking miss you so much. You’re my best friend and now there’s a hole that’s gaping and I don’t know how to fill it.”

  “I miss you too.” Tucking my legs up, I can’t hold back the shiver that wracks my body despite the warm water. “I think we both kind of lost ourselves into our routine. We need to find out who we are as individuals again. Bren, you used to do so many things. We both did. When did that end? How do we pick it back up again? There is no easy answer, but all we can do is try.”

  “I know—I need to go, Allie. I just—I can’t talk rationally with you right now, not like we used to. And I don’t want to yell at you either.” The phone clicks silent. I set my cell down and sink under the water, the never-ending ache in my chest flaring.

  We both got so lost when we were together, I know I forgot how to be on my own. How to fill my time and not feel empty. It’s something I’ve been working on.

  Blake and I have started doing yoga together twice a week and I’m exploring other things I used to enjoy, see what will fit into this new life I�
�m creating.

  March

  Tapping my fingers on the table, I contemplate the text message I just typed out. It’s been so long since we’ve talked. Are my words too trivial? Should I even bother? Squeezing my eyes shut, I try to think how I would feel if our roles were reversed.

  Sucking it up, I press send. The message is a simple “Happy Birthday.”

  It was excruciatingly painful having Brendan ask me why Landon over him, something I have experience torturing myself over. It’s haunted me for months.

  I haven’t talked to him since the day he showed up at my door steaming mad before deflating and telling me he just needed time before he could look at me. That was in January.

  Today is his birthday though and the idea of not acknowledging it is worse than him ignoring me or getting mad at me again.

  Flipping my phone onto its face, I lift the lid to my laptop and start scrolling the cats available for adoption on a local rescues website. True to my word, I haven’t talked to Landon since the breakup. I needed to give myself time to be just me. I also needed to show Brendan the breakup was due to more than my feelings for someone else. However, it’s been a lonely several months.

  Landon never strays far from my mind and I want to reach out to him, but I also don’t want to hurt Brendan any more than I already have. I miss them both, but for very different reasons. In the past three months, I’ve never felt more alone or more torn in two. Torn between keeping Brendan from hurting more than I’ve already caused or reaching out to Landon and filling the gaping hole his absence has created.

  Yet, if I’m being honest, I’ve learned so much about myself in the past several months. I took a writing class. I learned how to fix the toilet when it broke. And I started swimming every morning before work. As time has passed, my loneliness is there, but it’s different. It’s not out of a desperate need to be with someone, but now it’s to find a person to compliment the life I’ve started to develop. That feeling is how I know I’m ready to pursue something with Landon, if he’s still interested.