All About Us Page 13

  “I went on three dates with her and she has been persistent in her advances despite being told I’m not interested. She has a streak of crazy that I didn’t know about and I’m telling you now, keep your distance.” I play with the label on my beer bottle.

  “So Jesse, are you excited to start at the ranch?” Ryan changes the subject with a knowing look in my direction and I’m glad we’re moving past that crazy ass woman. My gut clenches when I see her, there is something about her that makes me uneasy.

  I tune back into the conversation and hear the last half of what Jesse is saying. “ . . . great to be outdoors. Actually Dane, I can start whenever. I finished up my project and I’m free as a bird now!”

  “Fantastic man. I can already tell you’re enjoying being free of that place.” He is more relaxed and hasn’t stopped smiling all evening. He seems more at peace and it feels great knowing I was able to help my friend out.

  “Oh yeah. The people were fine and the job was fine, but you know at some point you get tired of living just being fine. It was the first step, the next is going to be more challenging.”

  “What’s next?” I’m curious at the cautious tone in Jesse’s voice. He sits tall as he ponders whether or not to tell us, his eyes watch us carefully. Grabbing his beer he takes a deep drink before crossing his arms.

  “I need to come out to my parents.”

  Crickets.

  His words sink in and we sit in silence. Jesse grabs his beer again, gulping it down while we sit in shock. No one moves. Alex sits awkwardly, new to this group and he just smiles at Jesse encouragingly. I don’t care that my best friend is gay, but I’m surprised I never put it together.

  I grip Jesse’s shoulder and smile at him. “Good for you. If you need anything you know we’ve got your back.” Jesse breathes a sigh of relief and nods, a brilliant smile on his face.

  We all lean back in the booth, relaxing and chatting.

  “I want to get some wings. You guys in?” They all nod so I head to the bar to order.

  “I’ll come. That chick looks like she’s ready to tie you up and drag you outta here.” Alex walks over with me and we order. “What’s her deal anyways?”

  “I’m not really sure. She wasn’t bad until the third date and it was little things she would say, nothing specific. But the continuous texts and phone calls, it’s been months. I quit going on dates as soon as I found out Em was moving back.”

  Alex looks over my shoulder and grimaces. A hand wraps around my bicep and I’m assaulted with perfume.

  “Hi Dane.” Yvette’s voice is sugary sweet, fake.

  Turning towards her, I gently pull my arm from her grasp and back up so I’m standing next to Alex. His look of disdain would be comical, but my body is too busy fighting its flight response. “Hi.”

  Examining her now, I don’t know what I ever saw in her. Her eyes are cynical and calculating, her smile plastered and fake. These make her otherwise pretty features disappear because they are swallowed into the ugliness inside. Having Emma back in my life has made this so much clearer. Her inner beauty, her kindness just makes how stunning she is on the outside shine so much more.

  “Saw you looking my way, have you changed your mind about going out again? We could go dance.” She smiles at me, running a finger down my chest.

  My feet move on their own, stepping away from her. “No thanks. Like I said, not interested.” I’m trying to be polite, but my voice is firm. Instead of leaving like a normal woman who has been shot down several times would, she steps closer.

  “C’mon. Just one dance.”

  “I’ve said this before and I will say it again. For the last time. No. I’m not interested and I doubt my girlfriend would look at it as just one dance.” My voice is like razor blades and her eyes widen in shock as she steps back at the force of my words. Alex shakes his head at her before stepping between us and turning his back to her.

  Yvette leaves in a huff, a haze of perfume left in her wake. “Holy shit that woman is persistent, and seriously, her perfume should be classified as a noxious gas!” We move down the bar trying to escape the cloud of gag-inducing scent, my body buzzing from finally shutting her down.

  “I’ve been trying to be so polite, my gut tells me she can be vindictive, but honestly that felt fucking good.”

  Two plates of chicken wings are set down before us and my mouth starts watering.

  “Those smell so good. Thanks Dylan.” We smile at the bartender and carry the plates back to our table, Jesse and Ryan digging in before they are even set on the table.

  “Did you guys shower in perfume while you were over there?” Jesse starts coughing as he catches a whiff of whatever Yvette doused herself in, waving his hands in front of his nose.

  “I wish! Yvette decided to pay us a visit.” I fill them in and they cheer when I tell them I think she’s finally going to back off.

  Grinning at my buddies as they eat, I slide my phone out of my pocket and read Emma’s reply. I may be reading too much into it, but her text makes me smile. There is the fighter I know is in there. Her text has conviction to it and I may be assuming this but I feel like part of it is referring to our relationship.

  I wake up to the sound of my door opening and force my eyes open. Lia is slipping in my door, gently closing it behind her.

  “Lia?” She jumps at the sound of my voice and I laugh groggily. “What are you doing?”

  “I went downstairs to let Chloe out and get some water.” Sitting up, I take in her appearance. She looks a little disheveled and flushed.

  “Are you okay? You look a little flushed. Are you sick?” Lia sits next to me and I place my hand on her forehead. “Your temp is okay.”

  “Stop being a worry wart. I’m fine. Chloe didn’t want to come in, is that okay?”

  “Yeah, she’s fine. She won’t go anywhere.” Crawling out of bed, I grab some clothes and head into the bathroom.

  Lia is changed when I come out. “I missed our sleepovers. Even when we’re old and gray we need to make sure we still have sleepovers.”

  “Of course. We’re going to sit in our rockers on the porch, cracking dirty jokes.” She laughs as I scrunch my face up and start dirty talking in my best imitation of an old woman’s voice.

  “Seriously, that voice is creepy.” She shudders as we leave my room, running into Alex in the hall.

  “What voice?” Alex’s hair is damp, the fresh scent of his shampoo filling the air around us.

  “My old lady impersonation. You smell nice. Who are you trying to impress?” Wrapping an arm around him I give him a half hug.

  “Oh yeah, that is creepy. And I figured I was waking up to two beautiful women, the least I can do is be decently clean.” He smiles at us and I jab him with my elbow. Flirt. He’s always been a smooth talker, too bad he can’t seem to find the right girl.

  “Well, I’m going to go start breakfast.” Lia opens the door, pausing when Alex rests his hand on her shoulder, a pink hue filling her cheeks. Sucking in my bottom lip to keep from smirking, I watch their interaction with interest.

  “Don’t rush out of here. I thought I would come help you. Just let me grab something from the kitchen.” My eyes flick between them suspiciously, as his hand lingers on her shoulder, twirling some of her hair between his fingers. Alex smiles at me as he walks away, but Lia avoids my gaze.

  She has a secret.

  “So. What’s going on with you two?” Grinning at her as she lifts her head, eyes wide.

  “Nothing! How can anything be going on? We barely know each other.” Her voice is slightly breathless and I chuckle at her attempt at nonchalance.

  “Uh huh. Okay. Stay in denial, but I know you as well as you know me.” Alex comes back and I grin as we walk out of the house together. “I shouldn’t be too long.”

  Dane is waiting for me as I finish up with my horses. I spent some extra time brushing them since I have been paying so much attention to Arwen lately.

  “Good morning bea
utiful.” He kisses me before linking his fingers with mine. His rough hand is warm and tingles shoot up my arm from where his thumb gently strokes circles on the inside of my wrist. Heart beating faster than normal, I enjoy the happiness that fills me just being in his presence.

  “Morning.” He chuckles as I groan out the word, eyes rolling into the back of my head as his thumb continues to tease the sensitive spot on my wrist. He knows exactly what he is doing to me and he is reveling in it.

  We get to the door and I pull my hand from Dane’s, stopping on their porch. The heat from our contact dissipating as a strange urge fills me.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Go on in, I just need a moment.” He looks at me in concern, I grab his hand and squeeze. “I’m fine. I will be right in.”

  Dane heads into the house and I sit on the bench. Maybe it’s finally feeling some happiness again, maybe it’s that I’ve finally accepted my need for help, but my heart burns with a need I have been resisting.

  “Mom . . . Dad . . . Grandpa . . . I don’t know if you’re listening, I like to think that you are. I miss you so much and I wish I could talk to you every day. I’m sorry that it’s taken me so long to talk to you, to start pulling myself back together. Being home has helped and I think I’m finally starting to accept the way things are. I love you and I feel really good about starting counselling. I also wanted to tell you that Dane makes me so happy, I am falling for him which is scary as hell. I really wish you were here.”

  Standing up, I wipe a tear off my cheek. I feel at peace finally having acknowledged them in the only way I can. In just over a month and a half, August 20th, it will be the one year anniversary of my parent’s death and a month after that is the one year anniversary of Grandpa passing away. Walking into the kitchen, I smile as I take in my new family, my new reality. I can do this.

  I climb into my truck and rest my forehead on the steering wheel. My second counselling session just finished and somehow I started talking about my guilt over my parent’s accident. My eyes feel raw from crying and I know they are puffy and red. I need a nap.

  At least my nerves weren’t as bad on the way to therapy as they were last week. I had to pull over three times to ward off anxiety attacks on the way there alone.

  Heart pounding, head spinning and lungs collapsing, I pull over to the side of the road. How can I talk openly and honestly to a stranger about my weakness? How can I admit that I’m at fault for my parent’s dying? Or that I didn’t make more of an effort to see Grandpa even though he was getting older? Tears fall as I choke on the air I’m trying to inhale. For the longest time I buried the guilt, was in denial. But now it’s in the forefront of my mind.

  My heart hurts so damn bad. They were my world. The loss of them. The hole that will never be filled. It burns, the pain and guilt. The blackness that fills my mind, always present . . . Taunting.

  Shaking off the memory of last week, I bring myself back into the present.

  Pulling in a deep breath, I sit up and start my truck.

  The drive disappears in a blur as my thoughts swirl around my therapy session with Dr. Hughes. She has strongly recommended I talk to my friends about my feelings of guilt, that it will help release it by actually admitting to it. She asked me to talk to at least one of my friends this week. I committed to telling Alex, ease into it.

  The relief at opening up to her is still a shock and her non-judgmental attitude makes it easy to talk to her. Yet it still terrifies me to think about how others may react when I open up to them about where Mom and Dad were going.

  Dr. Hughes was emphatic that the accident was not my fault, it was a tragic accident, but I wonder how others will see it.

  Chloe runs towards the truck as I park and sits patiently while I pull my bag out before crouching down and scratching her head. This dog always knows when I need her.

  “Dane came by looking for you. He seemed confused that no one knew where you went. Where were you?” Alex leans against the truck, crossing his legs. His voice is chastising as he continues. “It’s the second week in a row that you’ve disappeared without telling anyone where you’ve gone. That’s not cool Em, Dane was worried. I was worried.” The look of disappointment on Alex’s face upsets me. I hate disappointing him and worrying him, but I’m pissed off that I can’t leave my house for two hours without being hounded.

  “I’m sorry I worried you, but last time I checked I’m allowed to leave the house for two fucking hours without checking in. I love that you care enough to worry, but seriously? Two hours?” The stress from my session and my irritation at Alex flows out of me as my voice gets louder and louder. Alex’s face breaks out in a smile and I scowl at him. I’m downright pissed that first he bitches at me and then laughs at me. “What is so funny?”

  “It’s been close to a year since I’ve seen this much spunk from you.” He walks over and wraps his arms around me. “You’re right, I’m sorry. It’s just hard not to worry after the past 10 and a half months. I am happy to see you get pissed off though, you haven’t had the energy to react so strongly in a long time. Now, seriously, where were you? I’m asking because I love you and because I am interested in what’s going on in your life.”

  We start walking to the house, my fingers fidgeting with my bag strap. Breathing becomes a struggles as my nerves fight to let coward in me take over. Fighting back, I force the breath and find some strength. Hands sweating with the strain to open up, even to Alex, I finally whisper the words. “I started seeing a therapist to address my grief and anxiety.”

  Alex halts in the doorway, a stunned look on his face. Slamming the door, he picks me up and swings me around. “I’m so proud of you! How’s it going?”

  His exuberance is slightly overwhelming as I continue to struggle inside. I hate the fast fluttering of my heart and the fire in my lungs. Anger fills me at what I’ve become and I mentally fight back. Despite the fear filling me, the weakness that is always ready at my core, I manage to process his question.

  “Hard, but honestly, it is helping. Last week was my first session and I told her what happened. This week was a surprise to me. We discussed my nightmares, I told her I had one last week after our session, but that it wasn’t as bad as they have been previously. Then out of nowhere I told her something no one knows.” Taking a deep breath, I sit at the counter as Alex pours me a glass of water. “I told her that my parents died because of me. If my car wouldn’t have broken down they wouldn’t have been driving.” Staring down at the counter, watching Alex from my peripheral vision, I force myself to breathe.

  Breathe in. Hold for ten. Breathe out.

  Alex stares at me until water overflows from the glass. Grabbing a towel, he wipes the water while vigorously shaking his head. He pauses, looks at me passing me my water.

  Breathe in. Hold for ten. Breathe out.

  Dr. Hughes suggested this technique and surprisingly, or maybe not all that surprising, it helps.

  “I know what you’re thinking. It’s not my fault. This is why I’m telling you, Dr. Hughes felt that sharing my thoughts will help.”

  “I know nothing I say can change your mind, but I’m still going to say it. You are not the reason that your parent’s died. The truck driver was under the influence of alcohol. All you did was what anyone would, called and asked for help.” Alex’s voice is strong, sure and emphatic. Relief floods me that he reacted in this manner, guilt nags at me for doubting him, anger and fear fade as I continue to breathe. This is exhausting.

  “Alex. You’re right. I absolutely know that you’re right, but those feelings don’t just go away. It’s something I need to work through. Now I need to go have a nap. Therapy is emotionally tiring and I need to sleep it off.” I gulp down the rest of my water, putting my glass into the dishwasher.

  “When are you going to talk to Dane? If you love him, he should be included in this.”

  “Wait . . . Love?” Staring at him, frozen in place. I’m not ready to be in love, I’m still s
o broken, so weak.

  “Yes love. He deserves to know.” Alex gently pushes me out of the kitchen. “Now go nap.”

  Walking up the stairs in a haze, my mind is stuck on repeat.

  Breathe in. Hold for ten. Breathe out.

  Laying down, Chloe at the foot of my bed, I close my eyes and as I fall asleep, I’m thinking about Dane. Do I love him?

  When I think about him I feel happy. My heart jumps enthusiastically even just remembering things he’s said or done.

  Holy shit.

  I love him.

  When did that happen?

  I need to tell him.

  Walking into Emma and Alex’s kitchen, disappointment and worry fills me when I see Alex on the couch in the living room working at his laptop without Emma. Normally at this time in the afternoon she and Alex are crowded together on her couch working. She is home, her truck is back, but I still haven’t seen her. I’m trying to be patient, but she’s been acting weird over the past week and a half. Disappearing twice now, no one knowing where she went.

  “Where is Emma?” Alex looks up from his laptop, glasses crooked on his face. I can’t help but laugh, gesturing with my hands until he fixes them with a shrug.

  “Upstairs napping. I told her we were worried and she went off on me that she is a grown woman. Honestly once the shock wore off, it was nice to see some of her old self show through.” Alex makes room for me on the couch and I join him.

  “Ugh, she’s right. I feel like a tool.” Leaning back on the couch, I sigh as I relax for the first time today. “How’s the new website coming along?”

  “I think it looks fantastic, but I’m biased. Want to see?” Nodding, I move closer to Alex as he shows me the updates he’s done to the ranches web page. It’s laid out clearly, highlighting the new training program I’m starting now that Jesse has lightened my regular workload.

  “Great work! It’s nice and clear, not overloaded like it was. I like how you added in links to Ryan and Lia’s sites.”

  “Thanks man! I thought since you all work in conjunction with each other it was appropriate. Is the banner okay?”