Why Not Me? Page 6

  Rolling my eyes, I put my cell back in my pocket. They’re not wrong, I have been moping. I never stopped loving Allie, even when I was trying to make things work with Melissa, my heart was never in it. Allie’s held my heart since the moment we first shared a table in a crowded coffee shop. It doesn’t matter how many years have passed, I’ve never been able to let her go.

  Part of me thought we would get our second chance when I literally ran into her, and now I’m stuck in the friend-zone, because I wasn’t lying, I will take her any way I can get her even though it’s painful.

  I consider myself a level-headed guy. I don’t cling to things unnecessarily, moving on when things don’t work. With Allie though, I don’t know how to turn off these feelings and I honestly don’t think I want to.

  Then I think about the future and what friendship with her means. I don’t know if I can watch her walk down the aisle to marry Brendan. Or watch her stomach swell with his child. I don’t know if I can reasonably meet someone with her in my life when I’m pining over the future I know would’ve been mine if I hadn’t ended things with her. It would have been mine. It should’ve been mine.

  I was so damn stupid, and I know I was nineteen, but I shouldn’t have sacrificed a relationship with the woman I loved to make something work with a woman I didn’t. The moment my lips first touched Allie’s I should have ended things with Melissa.

  Shoulda. Woulda. Coulda. Everything is clear in hindsight.

  Growling, I leave the store. I’m so lost inside my own head that my entire time here at the mall is a blur. Running a hand through my hair, I shake my head, and plow right into the person in front of me.

  “Shit, I’m sorry—Allie.” Her gorgeous hazel eyes peer up at me, looking bemused.

  “You seem to have a habit of crashing into me.” She takes a step back, but her smile is friendly and unguarded. The only sign that she’s as impacted by how close we were is the dilation of her pupils.

  “Apparently.” She smiles at the humor in my voice as we move aside so we’re not blocking people hustling around us. She looks beautiful, her hair in loose curls around her shoulders, her lips tilting in an easy smile.

  “I had some last-minute gifts come up that I needed to buy, and so here I am. It was foolish to think I was done with my Christmas shopping. Would you like to join me?”

  I finally notice the bags in her hands and reach out to take them from her as I nod.

  “Yeah.” We start walking as she checks the list in her hand. I glance at her, before trying to sound nonchalant as I say, “You’ve been pretty quiet for the last four days.”

  I know I’m transparent as soon as she glances sideways at me, her lips twitching.

  “I know. Work’s been intense. We finally hired a new developer and we’re briefing her on the park we’ve been planning. We want to ensure everything is set for spring. Especially since it was supposed to be completed already.” She presses a hand into my side to nudge me toward a bookstore.

  I follow her inside as she wanders through the aisles. “That must be a relief.”

  “It is, but I don’t want to talk about work.” She makes an adorable face, stopping at a rack to flip through a selection of notebooks. She pauses in her perusal to look at me. “I wasn’t avoiding you.”

  I chuckle as she returns her focus to the notebooks, moving along the shelf until she sees something she likes. “I didn’t ask.”

  “Didn’t you?” She flips through the pages of a book she’s picked up before setting it back on the shelf. She turns to look at me, adjusting the strap of her purse on her shoulder. Her words are quiet, but hit me straight in the gut. “If our roles were reversed, that’s what I would’ve been thinking.”

  She takes the notebook she was looking at and, with one last glance at me, heads toward the front counter.

  Following her, we’re quiet until we’re back out into the bustling crowd of the mall. She’s right, I did think she was avoiding me, and I don’t think she’s being entirely truthful when she says she wasn’t. I think she’s scared of our lingering feelings toward each other and the fact that life seems to be bringing us down a familiar path. I don’t know how to reassure her, other than show her we won’t put ourselves in that position again.

  “Your birthday is coming up. What do you have planned?” We stop to grab some coffee, sitting at one of the small round tables overlooking the fountains in the center of the mall. It’s oddly reminiscent of when we met, except neither of us are attempting to study anything but each other.

  “Ugh. I don’t want to do anything, it’s supposed to snow all weekend and I just want to hibernate the whole time, but Brendan is insisting on planning a party.” The smile pulling at her lips takes away the bite of her words.

  I never got to celebrate a birthday with her. Never got to plan a gift or something fun to do. Another thing we missed out on and this time I get to be a bystander in her life. It fills me with an annoying sense of melancholy. I feel like an emo teenager, not a grown ass man.

  As we sit and drink coffee, we discuss our plans for the holidays and weird traditions our families have. I’ve spent so much time fighting my attraction, I forgot how much fun we have when we’re hanging out and chatting.

  After we finish our coffee we get through the rest of Allie’s list before she drags me into a hat store. She disappears to the back and when she reappears she’s wearing the most ridiculous hat I’ve ever seen. It’s lime green with actual metal locks and feathers, a weird combination, and one of those nets that covers half her face.

  “Who would buy that?” We laugh, much to the annoyance of the staff member passing us.

  I see a hipster version of a lumberjack hat, snag it off the shelf and plop it on my head while striking a pose. Allie disappears again, returning with what looks like a Muppet on her head.

  “I always pass this store and laugh at some of the weird hats, but never come in.” She giggles as we find different ones to try on. She looks adorably sexy in all of them, her cheeks flushed with happiness.

  After thirty minutes of playing, we leave the store with huge smiles on our faces. Allie checks the time, sending a quick text before she reaches for her bags. “I better go. I had so much fun shopping this afternoon.”

  “I did too. It was nice to get away from my brothers.” I roll my eyes, smiling. “I’ll walk you to your car.”

  She grins as we leave, chatting about things we pass as we walk. After we reach her car and her purchases are safely stowed away, I give her a quick hug before opening her door. “I hope you have a great night. If it’s not too weird, I would love to come celebrate your birthday with you and your friends.”

  She beams at me. “I’d love that.”

  Picking up my phone, I open my calendar and scan my day. Joining Brendan in the kitchen, I look at him and grimace. “I have six meetings today, six. It’s insane. And the very first one, we get to sit down with our investors and present our new timeline while simultaneously asking for more money. Fun, right?”

  Shaking my head, I smile, because as much as my job can be stressful, and six meetings will lead to coffee breaks spent at my desk, I love my job. I couldn’t ask for better coworkers, and I couldn’t be more invested in making our town a better place.

  Sitting down, I devour the oatmeal waiting for me. Brendan’s oatmeal is homemade, with cinnamon, chunks of apple, and he even slices a banana to add to mine.

  “At least things are moving forward now.” He sits next to me, his tone encouraging.

  “Yeah, that eases some of my frustrations. I hate being stagnant.” Pausing when my phone dings, I see Landon sent me a text.

  It’s a photo of PeeWee laying on his back with a stuffed bear tucked in between his front legs. He’s fast asleep, his tongue lolling out the side of his mouth.

  Chuckling, I quickly type out an “aww,” before continuing my thought. “It’s the worst feeling.”

  When I glance at Brendan, he has a faraway look in his eyes
and his brows are furrowed. He looks worried, like he’s carrying a hefty burden.

  When my phone pings again, the furrow deepens. He hasn’t said anything about my friendship with Landon, and our relationship has been better lately, so I’m not sure if I’m reading too much into his look. I’ve been trying so hard to show him I care, I don’t know what else I can do.

  Ignoring the text, I flip my phone over and glance over at him. He’s stirring his oatmeal over and over, lost in thought.

  When he feels my gaze, he meets my eyes and his expression clears. “So, we need to talk about the elephant in the room.” He smiles, pushing his half-finished bowl of oatmeal away.

  My heart picks up, but his expression is teasing, so I tilt my head confused. “Elephant?”

  “Your birthday. I’ve already confirmed with Blake and Dawn. Monique is out of town, but your parents are free. I’m still waiting to hear from my family.” He takes a sip of his coffee, watching my face. I try to give him a look of excitement, but I’m sure he sees right through it. “Is there anyone I’m missing?”

  Chewing on my lower lip, I release it and take a deep breath. It’s asking a lot, but maybe this will be a good thing, because one thing Landon never did was put me and Melissa in the same room, maybe it would have created a different situation, there would have been more of a connection and I would’ve been able to walk away. “I’d like to invite Landon, if that’s okay with you?”

  I don’t release his gaze, but he stands up to go dump out the rest of his breakfast into the compost bucket. His voice is a little sharper than usual when he finally replies, his gaze locked on the backsplash above the sink, “Of course. It’s your birthday party.”

  I watch him. I know Brendan would never tell me I can’t be friends with someone, he’s not that type of guy, but I also need him to be honest with me about where he’s at, and right now, I can’t really read what he’s feeling.

  He saw me after Landon ended things. He knows how hurt I was and he knows how much effort it took for me to trust him. Things have gone well for us over the last six years, we haven’t hit any major bumps in the road.

  Standing, I set my bowl on the counter and wrap my arms around him, pressing myself into his back. I talk into his shirt, careful of how to approach this. “Regardless, I know you’re not entirely comfortable with our friendship.”

  He turns to face me, pressing his lips to my forehead. We stand together for a few minutes, my arms tight around him before he leans away.

  I can’t imagine how I would react if I was in his shoes, maybe I would be okay with it, maybe I wouldn’t, but the part of me that knows I’m not being fair to Brendan is overshadowed by the connection Landon and I share.

  If Brendan tells me right now he’s uncomfortable, I will listen. If he tells me right now he wants me to cut ties with Landon, I will.

  The idea of not seeing Landon again is painful, only eased by the fact Brendan will never tell me I can’t spend time with someone, no matter who it is.

  “I don’t know him. Maybe having him at your party is a good idea.” He sounds upbeat, but I can see the wheels turning in his head. I can’t help but wonder what he’s thinking, but maybe once he has time to think it through, he will fill me in.

  I grin at him, running my fingers through his hair as I press a light kiss to his lips. “I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  Glancing at the time, I quickly jot Landon’s number down before putting my coat on. Brendan comes to the door, kissing me before I leave.

  I try not to overthink the fact that Brendan is calling him, so I busy myself with searching for funny pictures to send to Brendan throughout the day.

  He’s been there for me every single day, even when he had nothing to gain.

  I’m staring at the wooden desk in front of me, avoiding the pitying gazes of my classmates. I look like I was in a fight, the bruises under my eyes from not sleeping more pronounced with each day that goes by.

  I’m shattered. I made the mistake of stalking Landon’s social media profiles last night and he looks—happy. There weren’t any photos of him with Melissa, but she was commenting on them like crazy. It sent me spiraling. I haven’t been able to sleep well in four months. My dreams full of different scenes playing out, all mocking me for my foolishness.

  Movement in the seat next to me catches my eye. Glancing to my side, I see Brendan glance at me and smile when he meets my gaze. He’s sat next to me every day since the beginning of this semester.

  We’ve worked on a few projects together and have become friends. Somehow, he manages to make me smile.

  He holds up a finger before leaning down to dig through his bag. I watch him, curious, but I can’t see what he’s doing.

  “Hey, I have something for you.” He smiles at me, his expression nervous as he pulls his hands out from behind his back and presents me with a stuffed penguin.

  It’s incredibly soft, the pads of my fingers smoothing the fluffy material. Looking up at him, I cradle it to my chest and smile. Once again, he just knew today would be a day I needed cheering up. How does he always know?

  “Thank you, Brendan. I love him.”

  A weight lifts from my chest as I hug the penguin to me for the rest of class. We stand, Brendan asking if I want to have lunch with him. Nodding, I follow him out into the crowded hall, feeling a little better than I did this morning.

  My phone rings, a number I don’t recognize popping up on the screen.

  “Hello?” I answer with caution, my finger poised over the hang-up button in case it’s a solicitor and scam.

  “Hi, Landon. This is Brendan, Allie’s boyfriend.” His voice is confident, steady. Like he doesn’t care at all that he’s calling her ex.

  Pausing, I take a deep breath and try for the same level of nonchalance. “What can I do for you?” I’m pretty sure I failed when my voice comes out more wary than effortless.

  “I was just calling you to invite you to Allie’s birthday party this weekend. It’s low-key because Allie doesn’t like anything big, but we’d like for you to come if you’re free. I know it’s short notice.” He stresses the we, the only sign he’s not totally on board with me being there. I’m sure part of this is a ploy to evaluate the situation, because that’s what I’d be doing.

  “I’m free. Thanks for the invite.” This time my voice is more casual.

  He rattles off their address and declines my offer to bring something.

  The entire conversation takes less than two minutes but as I stare at the ended call, for the first time I doubt whether I want to go. An hour was torture watching them, how am I going to manage for an entire evening?

  Grabbing PeeWee’s leash, I take him for a quick walk before I leave for work. He bounces his way through the park near my house, barking at squirrels and sniffing through the snow.

  Glancing at my phone, I look at the last text I sent Allie. The one she hasn’t responded to.

  Me: Do you remember that time we were listening to music in your car, and you couldn’t stop laughing? I hope for your birthday you get as much laughter as that night.

  Shaking my head, I shove my phone back into my pocket.

  “What are you doing?” My voice is loud in the empty park as I berate myself. That was the night of our first kiss. The one that sent us spiraling. No wonder she didn’t respond.

  Muttering to myself about what an ass I am, I walk PeeWee back home and head to work.

  Things with Allie, they are what they are. I either need to accept them, or let her go.

  Stepping back from the mirror, I check myself out. Despite my makeup and hair being done up, I can see the strain over this evening written all over my face. I’m glad Landon is coming tonight, but I also know continuing to mesh my past with my present isn’t going to be easy.

  My stomach jumps when I hear voices out in the living room. Listening intently, I hear Blake’s loud laugh, followed by Dawn’s soft voice. The churning of my stomach settles a
little, my friends will make a good buffer for when Landon arrives. Brendan was incredibly supportive of him coming, but he’s been quieter than normal today.

  Why am I putting us through this? It’s a question I’ve been consumed with since Brendan said that Landon was coming tonight. I feel pulled in two different directions and I hate that even at twenty-eight I still don’t seem to have the strength to cut Landon out of my life.

  Taking a deep breath, I open the door and smile as my friends rush at me.

  “Happy Birthday!” they say in unison, enveloping me in a group hug.

  “Thank you.” I peer over their shoulders and watch Brendan disappear into the kitchen before whispering, “So, Landon is coming tonight.”

  Dawn’s eyes widen in shock as a slow smirk crosses Blake’s face. “You sure don’t like to live a simple life, hey?”

  They know what’s been going on, every single detail right down to my struggle with the lingering attraction, but this will be the first time they see the dynamic for themselves.

  Dawn pulls a bottle of wine from her purse with a glance over at where Brendan is laying out all the food he prepared. “I think we better crack this bad boy now.” She grimaces empathetically.

  Dawn is trying her best to be supportive of my decision to keep Landon in my life, but I know she disapproves. In her opinion, Brendan is better than Landon in every way. We’ve talked at length about the potential consequences this path will lead to, including damaging my relationship with Brendan permanently. I think she’s going to the extreme, because I promised myself that wouldn’t happen.

  Blake, on the other hand, is more supportive. She believes that Landon came back into my life for a reason and I need to find out what that reason is.

  Whatever the situation, I spent the entire day contemplating telling Landon tonight it’s too difficult to be friends with him, but every time I held that conversation in my head, it hurt so much, I couldn’t even get the words out. So, for right now, I’m going to see if we can make it work. Something in me is so connected to him, I feel more whole with him in my life, and maybe this will work out in a way no one expects.