Why Not Me? Read online

  Why Not Me?

  Copyright © 2018 by Ashley Erin

  Cover Design by Kari Ayasha with Cover to Cover Designs

  Cover Image: Stock Photo

  Editing by Missy Borucki

  Proofreading by Virginia Tesi Carey

  Interior Design: Integrity Formatting

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owner. All rights reserved.

  Books by Ashley Erin

  Dedication

  Prologue

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Epilogue

  About Ashley Erin

  All or Nothing series

  All About Us

  All About Hope

  Rule series

  The No Asshole Rule

  The No Bad Boy Rule

  The No Jock Rule

  Standalones

  without walls

  The Fine Line Between Love and Hate

  Why Not Me?

  To Jessi

  Thank you for taking this journey with me.

  No one knows how much I put into this book, except you.

  You were there for the tears.

  For the times I wanted to delete it.

  For the many, many, many rewrites.

  For the emotional breakdown.

  And, finally, for the moment I finally reached the point I could say this is my best book yet.

  I love you.

  October 25

  Circling my hips, I spin in a circle as Dawn and I dance together. We’re out celebrating Dawn’s new job and the fact I aced my marketing exam. Lifting my arms above my head, I give a little shimmy, jumping when I feel my phone vibrate in the back pocket of my jeans.

  Without missing a beat, I pull it out and smile when I see the name on the screen of my cell, I swipe my finger with an eagerness that hasn’t dissipated in the nine months we’ve been seeing each other. We fell hard and we fell fast, but I’ve never felt so connected with someone.

  “Hey, babe, one sec,” I yell over the pounding dance music. It’s so loud, I don’t know if he can hear me, my words probably faint under the vibrating bass. Dawn smiles as I turn, waving at Blake when she glances at me, I hold my phone up and point to the patio. She grins with a wink and goes back to dancing with a giant of a man.

  The patio is lit with twinkle lights, random heaters sit next to the picnic tables filling the space providing ambient heat for the rare person brave enough to face the bitter cold. The music sounds through a few speakers along the wall, but it’s turned down to be background noise. Tucking my free hand under my arm, I stand under the heater next to the door.

  “Sorry about that. Is everything okay?” It’s unusual for Landon to call when he knows I’m out with my girlfriends. That must mean things didn’t go well with Melissa. “Do you need me to come over, we can cuddle on the couch. I know tonight wasn’t easy for you.”

  Snowflakes start to fall around me, the first snow of the year making today one of my favorite days. I love the snow. There’s something enchanting about the first snow. It blankets everything to create a crisp, clean canvas. The air is fresher, and it’s the sign that mother nature is preparing for new growth. I think the only season I love more than winter is summer, when everything is in full bloom. The reward for the months we’ve endured the cold.

  The music shifts to something slow. It’s quieter outside, the soft melody over the speaker adding to the magic of the night. I feel free of more than just another exam under my belt. Knowing that we can finally move forward, it makes me tilt my face up into the crisp flakes and smile. Tonight, everything is perfect.

  When nothing but silence comes from the other end of the line, I can barely hear his breathing, I check my phone to make sure we didn’t disconnect. “Landon? What’s going on? You’re worrying me.”

  “I can’t see you anymore, Allie.” His words are cold and detached, almost as though he’s talking to a stranger, so different from this morning.

  I can’t stop the sharp inhalation at his words, the frigid air burning my lungs as I stumble to the nearest picnic table. No one is outside, the cold October night making everyone shy away from spending too much time outdoors—something I’m grateful for as my eyes fill with tears.

  “What are you talking about? This morning everything was fine. What about everything you’ve told me, said to me?” My voice cracks as I try to make sense of what’s going on. Why is his tone so disconnected? My voice lowers, filled with such confusion and pain that I can’t recognize it. “I’m so confused.”

  “There’s nothing to understand. I’m sorry I let this go on as long as I did, it was a mistake. I guess hindsight is twenty-twenty.” A whooshing in my ears blocks out his voice, the tears I’ve been holding at bay begin to fall as I realize this isn’t some weird, cruel joke. It’s real.

  “I see. I guess there’s nothing to say then.” My voice is faint, barely a whisper, my head already filling in the blanks. I knew this was a risk, I was stupid enough to think our connection was strong enough to withstand her. So much so, that I did something I never thought I would do. Ever.

  Wrapping my arms around myself, I bite back tears of despair. This is what I get for pushing aside my initial reservations and falling for his pretty words.

  “Goodbye, Allie—I’m sorry.” The last words are whispered, a slight crack in the cold façade, but the phone clicks silent and that slight crack means nothing as I’m left sitting on the cold wooden bench in shock.

  I slump against the rough edge of the tabletop, it’s sharp corner digging into my spine as I stare mindlessly as the snow slowly builds up on the ground, its beauty now tainted with the quiet breaking of my heart.

  Seven Years Later

  Shutting down my computer, I feed my fish, Bernie, and click all the lights off in my office. Before I set the alarm, I shoot Brendan a quick text letting him know I’m on my way home. He insists, especially in the winter.

  Brendan: Please drive safe, traffic is insane today. Despite its return every year, people seem to forget how to drive in the snow.

  It doesn’t matter how much time passes, Brendan never wavers in his interest in my safety or how my day is going. Smiling despite the weight of exhaustion settling into my muscles, I send him a heart em
oji and tuck my phone away in my purse.

  Taking a quick glance around, I lock up before walking sluggishly to my car, my feet dragging in the flats I was wise enough to toss under my desk. It’s been a long and exhausting week. We had to fire another developer for the new park this week, setting us back three months of work. A setback we didn’t need when we were already behind schedule.

  The drive home passes by in a blur, my windshield wipers clearing the falling snow, but visibility is still terrible. It’s really coming down, again. One more thing to ruin my week, I hate the snow and the foot that’s fallen over the past three days just sours my mood even more.

  Parking in my spot, I wait until the song on the radio is over before shutting my car off. The silence is welcome, my phone was ringing off the hook at work and the second I walk in the door I know Brendan will want to hear about my day, which I love, but this is my time to clear my head, especially after a day like today.

  I love my job, but when I need to go over termination papers with a guy I genuinely like it’s not enjoyable. Then, to top it off, I had to field calls from the companies who donated to the park fund and explain why we’re behind schedule and over budget.

  Sighing, I adjust my scarf and hat, before sliding out of my car. The pavement is icy, and the fluffy snow gets in my shoes as I slide around to the front of my car to plug it in before making my way to the passenger side and grabbing the straps of my messenger bag and purse from the back seat. My car beeps twice as it locks, the lights flashing brightly in the night.

  Despite the cold, I find myself frozen on the spot as the snow falls around me. I’m normally a happy go-lucky person, but on this day every year I’m full of melancholy. It doesn’t matter that it’s been seven years, October twenty-fifth is always full of memories and confusion. The sting of the hole still in my heart never disappearing, no matter how full and good my life is.

  My brain doesn’t let me turn off the replay of that day. From the morning full of smiles and giggles, to the night when my heart was broken. To top it off, I’m then filled with guilt because I have an incredible man in my life, a man who should make me forget Landon.

  Tilting my head back, I look to the brightly lit windows of the condo I share with Brendan. Our building looks sketchy from the outside, the battered front door is grimy and the stucco covering the walls is crumbling away.

  I remember when Bren and I first stood outside the front door, staring up at the building and debating whether we even wanted to go inside. I have that feeling now, but this time it’s because I don’t want Brendan to feel the sadness I’m carrying. It’s not fair to him that after all this time, a part of my heart is still broken.

  Taking a deep breath, I make my way into the building and focus on the memory of the first time Brendan and I walked through these doors. The entryway is plain, just simple linoleum and a set of mailboxes for all the condos. The hallways are all painted the same builder’s beige, simple, nothing fancy, but a lot cleaner looking than you would expect after seeing the outside.

  As I reach the door to our condo and step into the spacious living room, I remember the smirk on the realtor’s face when she saw our jaws drop. There is no way we could have been prepared for what awaited us inside.

  The inside is in complete contrast to the outside. Sleek, modern, bright, and incredibly spacious. All the units were newly renovated when we purchased it.

  I step inside looking around the room and remembering it when it was empty. It was beautiful when we bought it but comparing the empty space of my memory to the warm home we’ve created over the years, I love it even more than the day we moved in.

  The gas fireplace is on in the living room, its radiant heat welcome after the frigid cold outside. Soft music comes from the kitchen, along with the mouthwatering scent of garlic and spices.

  Hanging my bags onto the coat rack just inside the door, I unwind my scarf and remove my jacket. Hands reach out, offering me a glass of merlot, before resting on my shoulders and massaging them gently.

  “You look tired.” Brendan’s voice is warm, the soft timbre comforting.

  Turning, I tilt my chin up to receive the kiss I know is waiting for me. Brendan smiles down at me, love and affection radiating from him as he runs his hands up and down my arms to warm me up. I feel a little of the wear of the day fall away at his touch. Somehow, he’s always been able to piece me together, just enough that I don’t completely crack.

  “It’s been an exhausting week. We fired Martin today, which added a stack of official paperwork to my already towering pile. Three months and we haven’t even broken ground on the new park, now we’re delayed until spring which means I’ve been putting fires out with our investors.” Closing my eyes, I groan at the fresh reminder of how many people yelled at me today.

  Bren tsks appropriately, his fingers winding with mine as he leads me into the kitchen. Sitting in the chair he pulls out for me, I watch him move around the room. It’s been this way since we moved in two years ago. He’s home before I am and loves to cook, so whenever I walk in the door he hands me a glass of wine, asks me about my day, and puts the finishing touches on whatever delicious dish that’s waiting for me.

  “How was your day?” I sip my wine, savoring the rich burst of flavor.

  “Good. I’m on my way to getting this couple approved for a huge mortgage, which means an incredible commission. I was thinking, it’s been a long time since we’ve gone on vacation. Maybe we can finally take that trip to Italy you’ve always talked about.” He smiles at me, voice full of pride.

  “That would be nice, there are some amazing places to see.” I try to infuse a little more enthusiasm into my voice as I continue to watch him move around our spacious kitchen.

  I’m searching, always searching. The internal battle begins as it has for over a year now. I love him. I do. It’s just lately we haven’t felt like us, something is missing and I can’t pinpoint what exactly it is. And on this night especially, I really feel it, because if something wasn’t missing, I wouldn’t be so sad over what was.

  The thing is, he loves me so much and I don’t want to hurt him with these doubts, especially when I don’t know the answers. I think I’m just tired, maybe we do need a vacation and Italy would be so amazing, especially if we could take our time and really see everything we want. It’s been several years since we’ve gone away, not even camping, and I think getting away and spending some real quality time together, exploring and having fun, will help alleviate these doubts.

  Sighing, I run the tips of my fingers over the stem of my glass, wishing for the hundredth time that this day didn’t still bring so much sadness. Gazing outside, I focus on the way the lights reflect on the windows of the patio doors, blocking out the view of the park on the other side of the parking lot. Blocking the view of anything except the safety and comfort of this home. The safety and comfort of Brendan.

  “Are you okay? You’re in your own little world.” His soft, comforting voice breaks into my thoughts and I realize he’s been talking to me.

  Guilt fills me. He deserves so much more than I’m giving him right now, than I’ve been giving him in longer than is acceptable. “I’m sorry, this whole ordeal has been wearing on me. Paul is interviewing new contractors next week and I’m supposed to be meeting with possible sponsors for the new recreational facility rather than meeting with contractors to outline the park.” The lie slips out easily, because that’s what I’ve been thinking about in between thoughts of Landon—cringing, even his name hurts to think—and that night. Sipping my wine, I stand to help him set the table. “Tell me more about your day.”

  He fills me in on the rest of his day, beaming as he tells me about signing the final paperwork on another couple’s mortgage. It’s their first home and the pride he feels in helping them achieve that dream makes his eyes shine. He has a huge heart and he always strives to help everyone who contacts him in any way he can. It’s how he approaches everything in life and it’s one of t
he things I love most about him.

  Brendan sets steaming dishes onto the table. The sight of roasted asparagus, mushroom risotto, and chicken seasoned to perfection makes my stomach growl. I worked through lunch today, only eating half of my sandwich before my phone ringing off the hook stole my attention.

  “This looks incredible, as always.” I smile at him, appreciating how he seems to just know when I need the comfort of my favorite dishes.

  We eat silently, the scraping of the cutlery on our plates the only sound in the apartment. Brendan finishes, kissing the top of my head before disappearing into his office. It’s our routine. Friday nights he works, so I clean the kitchen and then find something on television to relax to.

  Tonight, though, I wish we weren’t so predictable. How did we get to the point where we can share an entire meal and not say a word to each other? How does that happen?

  Scooping some coffee into the machine, I finish wiping the counters and the stove while it percolates. Adding a splash of milk and the smallest amount of sugar, I take it into his office.

  Running my fingers through the mess of curls, I brush his hair away from his forehead and set the coffee beside him. I watch him work a bit, playing with the soft strands of hair, wanting things to be different and not sure what to do. “Can that wait until tomorrow? Maybe we could watch a movie.”

  Surprise flits across his face, replaced by an ecstatic smile. That look destroys me. After six years together, it’s easy to take him and what we have for granted. We’re at a level of comfort that easily becomes complacency and I don’t want us to become so complacent that every day is mundane.

  “I would love that.” He sounds so eager, I promise myself to try a little harder and not take him for granted. Brendan starts closing programs. “Why don’t you go pick something to watch? Your choice.”

  Turning, I head into the living room and load up a comedy while he finishes shutting down his computer. Tucking my legs up onto the couch, I wrap a blanket around myself and get cozy. Brendan sits on his side of the couch, looking longingly at the empty space beside me. Pushing play, I shift over and curl into him. I’m not typically into cuddling, but I feel the need for his warm comfort and, based on the look he’s giving me, he needs it too.