All About Us Read online

  He designed a logo for the ranch and the simplicity while hitting all the points of what we offer is perfect.

  “Wow! It’s better than I could have imagined.” Alex smiles with pride and hands me his computer so I can explore the pages. Seeing the pictures in the gallery of the foals reminds me that we need to move them. “Hey, I need to start moving the foals to their own pen. Would you like to help? Since you’ve been riding and working with the horses, you have a natural talent for it, I thought you might like to experience other aspects of ranch life.”

  Alex and I have become good friends and I have been helping Emma give him lessons. Now that he has discovered the joy of riding and spending time with the horses he is eager to learn.

  “Absolutely. Anyway I can help around here, I’m game. I’m going to finish up making these changes for your final approval.” Alex takes the computer back from me and starts tapping away, so I head upstairs to check on Emma.

  Her door is slightly ajar and I peer inside. Emma lies on her side, curled in a ball; silent tears streaking down her face. Her eyes are moving rapidly under her lids. A fierce need to protect her and stop the pain fills me. She owns my heart and all it wants is to repair hers.

  Entering her room, I shut the door behind me before gently crawling over her. I lie down and curl up behind her, tucking her trembling body into me tightly and wrapping my arm securely around her. This nightmare is nothing like the previous one I saw. What could make this one so drastically different?

  “Emma. Wake up.” Kissing her softly by her ear, I speak soothingly until her eyes open and she turns into my arms, burying her face into my shoulder crying softly. Swallowing the lump that forms in my throat, I hold her as tightly as I can without hurting her. We lay in silence, nothing I say will make the pain go away.

  I want to make the pain go away. Frustration at being unable to do anything threatens to consume me, but I focus on the beautiful woman in my arms.

  Her cries subsiding, she pulls back and looks at me with a sad smile. “You know how they say the loss of someone gets easier with time? Whoever said that lied.

  “It’s not easier; you just learn to live again. You learn how to look at times with a smile because you are simply happy that you had those times at all, not because it’s easier. When someone is ripped from your life so drastically you think about all of the things you wish you could have said. The last things you wish you could have done. Most of all you wish you could have held them one more time and told them you love them one last time.

  “I don’t want them to fade. I don’t want to push their memory away anymore because I’ve realized that hurts almost more than losing them. It hurts so much knowing there is no last time, but I also know it will hurt even more if I look back on how I’ve survived without them in shame. The three of them, they taught me to be strong. They taught me that when I set my mind to something, I can achieve it. I’m no longer going to float through life without them as a shadow of the person I once was because when I’m up there with them; I want them to smile at me with pride, not look at me with sadness at the life I chose to live.”

  Hugging Emma closer, my heart aches for her. In the month and a half she has been back, this is the most she has said to me about the accident and her feelings. We still haven’t discussed her panic attack in the car, instead when we drive any distance we all pile into her truck and she drives, none of us wanting to push her when she isn’t ready.

  Pulling in deep breaths, emotions flooding me as her words replay in my head, my mind is filled with images of her time back at home. How had I underestimated just how much she was holding in? She has started to come out of her guardedness over the past couple of weeks and it has opened my eyes to how much I still need to learn, silly questions game aside, I need to go deeper. She still holds so much in and my need to know is constantly simmering underneath the surface, I’m trying not to push her, but at some point it’s going to boil over.

  “You’re right that they would want you to be happy. To live your life to the fullest and to remember them with a smile on your lips, not tears in your eyes. But I think they would understand how difficult this has been for you. No one expects you to just get over it immediately; I think we worry because you hold everything so close to you. I know you’ve only been back for a short time, but it has made a difference. Whenever you want to talk, I’m always here for you. I love you and will do whatever I can to help you through this.”

  Holding her gaze, I watch as emotions flicker through her eyes. I don’t think I’m imagining the love I see there, yet she doesn’t utter the words back. Instead she leans forward, kisses me gently and whispers something so softly I can’t hear it.

  Pushing away the disappointment that fills me, I smile brightly at her and pull her face back to mine; kissing her with everything I am feeling. As she returns the kiss passionately, I hope she is using this kiss to tell me what she can’t say quite yet.

  Laying together in bed, kissing and talking, the sad mood from her dream slowly disintegrates. Contentment fills me as we go back and forth asking questions before I find I can’t keep my hands off her any longer.

  Leaning on my elbow, I comb my fingers through her hair before leaning down and kissing her jaw teasingly.

  Emma puts her hand on my shoulder, pushing gently and I let her move me onto my back. Groaning as she straddles me, heat burning in her eyes, she undresses without her eyes leaving mine before helping me pull my clothes off. I reach to grab a condom from her drawer but she stops me.

  “I’m on the pill. I haven’t ever . . . With you, I want to feel everything.”

  Emma slowly lowers herself onto me, her tight walls gripping me. Moaning at the sensation of being bare to each other, this experience is unlike any other. Emma feels perfect, dripping in her desire for me and it’s all I can do to allow her to control the movements. Her body picks up speed as she leans down and kisses me passionately.

  Sweat beads on my forehead as I grab her hips and push into her harder, urged on by her frantic moans and hands gripping my shoulders like vices.

  Sitting up, Emma grabs my hips and moves faster, groaning out my name as she climaxes. The intensity of feeling her release, her body surrounding mine as we experience an intimacy neither of us has before, is almost overwhelming and I need to take control. Flipping her onto her back, I thrust my hips into hers coming hard and fast.

  Emma’s eyes are filled with passion and the love she cannot express as I lean down and kiss her before sliding out and lying next to her.

  Grabbing her hands into mine, I pull her out of bed with me before wrapping my arms around her. Bending my head down, I kiss her gently, enjoying the way her soft skin feels against mine.

  “As much as I would love to spend the rest of the day in bed with you, Lia will have dinner on the table soon and you know she won’t hesitate to come storming in here. Risk of emotional scarring and all.” Emma laughs and we get dressed quickly.

  “We always have after dinner.” Emma winks at me suggestively before giggling and sashaying out of the room.

  Looking at the ceiling, I think of unsexy things before chasing after her.

  Sitting on the brown leather chair in Dr. Hughes’ room, I cross my legs and lean back. Her office is filled with colorful paintings; similar in style to the one’s Lia does on occasion. She calls it mixed media. I don’t really know what that means, but when I look at these each week I notice something new in the colors and textures.

  When I first started seeing Dr. Hughes, her office was a complete surprise. I expected a stuffy white office with a couch that I would lay on and her at my head asking questions and taking notes. Instead the room is a soft yellow, with a huge window and potted plants in the corners and hanging from the ceiling. There are two leather chairs and a loveseat with a coffee table centered between them. It’s cozy and has a natural feel. The artwork adds brightness and despite being here to discuss my weaknesses, I can’t help but feel comfortable.
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br />   Dr. Hughes smiles at me as she enters the room and sits in the chair next to mine.

  “How are you today Emma?” Dr. Hughes is in her 30’s, her voice smooth and gentle. Something about her draws information out of me and I’m grateful we clicked so well.

  “I’m doing well. Better than I expected to be.”

  “Last week was very heavy for the second session, were you able to talk to any of your friends about the guilt you feel over your parents car accident?”

  “Well I got home and Alex was pestering me where I was so it kind of exploded out that I started seeing a therapist. I did open up about the guilt I feel and he was very supportive. As difficult as it was to tell him, I do feel better. My nightmares have shifted, they aren’t as bad and I’m starting to be able to talk to my parents.” Laughing softly, “That sounds a little crazy, doesn’t it?”

  “Not at all. Quite often the way we maintain a connection to those no longer in our life is to talk to them, kind of like a prayer.” Her words make sense and I relax more into my chair. “I’m glad that you talked to Alex. Tell me how the dream after our session played out.”

  The rest of the session passes quickly and as I drive home, I prepare to tell Dane everything. My guilt. What happens in my dreams. And most importantly, that I love him. Dr. Hughes suggested once I start opening up and talking about everything I’m struggling with that my anxiety around being in the backseat of the car will begin to improve. I’m skeptical about that but so far she has been right with everything else.

  I quickly give my horses some love before heading into the house, finding Alex in his usual spot on the couch.

  “How was counseling?” He looks up, and smiles as he takes me in. “Must have been good, you don’t look ready to pass out like last time.”

  “It was good. I know it’s still early in the process, but I feel a huge difference. I’m going to talk to Dane later, open up to him like I know he is waiting for. I’m ready. He’s out with Jesse till later so I figured I would get some work done.”

  Alex makes room for me on the couch and I quickly load my document, words turning around in my head eager to be released. This book is nearing completion and I have decided to publish it. Knowing I am going to open the gate and let Dane in has given me the courage to share it. It’s personal, it’s emotional and I know it’s some of the best writing I have ever done.

  Alex’s phone dings with a text. His face lights up with a grin as he reads it and he hurriedly sets his laptop aside.

  He notices me watching him curiously and shifts as he stands there, eager to bolt out the door. Instead of saying anything, he kisses me on the forehead and tries to casually saunter out the door. If I didn’t know better I would think he is going to get laid. Realization strikes and laughter erupts. Oh this is priceless. He and Lia have both been acting weird around each other and I think I just figured out why.

  Looking back at my screen, I shift trying to get comfortable, but it’s no use. I need my sweats and t-shirt. Setting my laptop on the island in the kitchen, I race upstairs with Chloe at my heels to change.

  Chloe goes racing out the door as I am pulling my jeans off, tail wagging. Crazy dog.

  Heading down the stairs, finally in my comfy writing clothes, I smile as I think about seeing Dane later. Maybe we can go for a walk through the trails, sit at the tire swing and I can tell him what’s going on.

  Rounding the corner into the kitchen, I halt as I see the man occupying my thoughts. The smile is wiped from my face and uncontrollable panic and anger fills me as I watch him read my laptop screen.

  The shock dissipates and I storm over, shutting my laptop and glare at him.

  “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” My body vibrates from anger and fear. I don’t want him to read into my writing before I’ve had a chance to talk to him. The invasion of my privacy rocks me to my core and his expression of surprise barely registers. “Well? How dare you impede on my privacy by reading that?”

  “Emma calm down. It was open and caught my eye. I only . . .” He places his hands on my shoulders trying to placate me, but I pull away. Tears of anger burn behind my eyes and I turn away from him to compose myself. What if he saw through my writing? I was wrong, I’m not ready to open up to him and expose my vulnerability. The risk is too great.

  “So you thought that because it was open that it was a free for all? I wasn’t aware that was how things worked.” My voice is raised to such a high pitch that it hurts even my ears. Chloe stands next to me whimpering and I force myself to lower my voice. “I am so fucking angry right now I’m having a hard time looking at you.”

  Dane jolts back and grits his teeth, the muscles in his jaw flexing as he stares at me. Hurt. Anger. Fear. Confusion. All those emotions flicker in his eyes and in the back of my head I’m screaming at myself for being unreasonable, but I‘m letting my weakness prevail.

  Fight it.

  Give in.

  So weak.

  Breathe in. Hold for ten. Breathe out.

  “Emma . . .” Dane walks slowly towards me, palms forward, eyes pleading. “Please, I didn’t think about it, I shouldn’t have looked.” His tone is consoling, face panicked and regretful.

  I’m weak.

  Be strong.

  Breathe in. Hold for ten. Breathe out.

  “No. You shouldn’t have. I just . . . How can I trust . . .” Dane’s hands resting on my shoulders cuts off the thought, and I jerk my head back to look into his eyes. His eyes which are full of compassion and love, burning with his need for me to calm down, are my undoing. The tears I’ve been holding back fall and my shoulders slump as the calm that always comes when Dane touches me starts battling the fear and anger. Closing my eyes, I mentally struggle against the darkness. I’m strong, I can do this. No I can’t . . .

  Dane lifts my chin and waits until I open my eyes before looking at me intently, almost like he can see everything going on inside. “Emma, I look into your eyes and I see the demons that haunt you. There is nothing I want more than to replace those demons with myself. I don’t ever want to be the cause for that look in your eyes again. Once was enough. I want to be the reason they shine. I want to be the reason you glow and not shake with all these pent up emotions. I’m all about us, but you need to let me in.”

  He holds my gaze, I’m captive to it. His green eyes are soft, pleading with me. From deep in my belly I let out the breath I’ve been holding, and soak up his words mentally feeling them wrap around me. Searching deep within I find the determination I need, wrap his words around it and push away the darkness.

  Hands shaking, I lift them to grip his forearms and brace myself in his strength.

  With him, I am strong.

  He lets out a sigh of relief when I don’t throw his hands off my shoulders, still remaining silent while he waits for me to speak. My throat is so dry when I try to speak it comes out as a croak so I let go of his arms and grab a glass of water before sitting on the couch. Dane sits next to me, thigh touching mine and folds my hand into his. Still silent.

  “The reason I’ve been disappearing for two hours a week is because I have started to see a counselor. I know the way that I have dealt this past eleven months has not been normal and I needed help. I’ve only gone three times, but I feel a difference. To some it may sound crazy, but I think I was finally ready.” Looking at Dane as I speak, I gauge his reaction before continuing. His face is empathetic and non-judgmental giving me the courage to continue. “The night my parents got hit by that truck, I was stranded because my car had broken down again. My parents were coming to get me and it was on their way to me that they got hit. I’ve blamed myself all this time for their accident and the guilt has been smothering. I still blame myself. It took a long time to voice that guilt, mostly it has lived in my subconscious.”

  “It’s not . . .” Dane’s voice is strong and sure, but I cut him off. The need to get this out course through my veins, like a poison I need to release.

 
“I know. In my heart, I know that. It’s funny though, isn’t it? How hard it is sometimes to get your head and your heart to agree and my thoughts can be a dark place. Dr. Hughes is helping me work through that and my dreams have started shifting. They aren’t as bad as they were before. They feel brighter, more hopeful and I think that’s because I feel more optimistic.”

  Closing my eyes, I think through the next words I need to say. Opening up about the accident and how I feel about it hasn’t been as tough as I always thought it would be. Opening up about my feelings for Dane is more challenging. He has said he loves me and I see it in the way he looks at me, feel it in the way he touches me. Yet telling him the feelings are reciprocated, it’s scary for me. No one has ever made me feel the way he has and the vulnerability of giving him all of me has my heart pounding.

  “Emma, you are a remarkable woman and I love every thought, every part of you.” He pulls me into his arms, thinking I have shared all that I need to and I allow myself to relax into him for a moment before sitting up and facing him straight on. He tilts his head, eyes questioning and in this moment, I feel the strength I need fill me.

  “Dane, ever since you pulled me out of that water trough things have gotten easier. In the vehicle you calmed my panic attack and my nightmares have reduced so much, I’m not scared to sleep anymore. Being here has helped, but most of it is you. Maybe it’s our history, but I think it has more to do with how you make me feel. You make me want to live, you make me smile and you make my pain not feel so heavy.” As the words spill from my mouth, I don’t even know if they make sense, but they come out stronger, more sure. Staring at him, I see happiness and I finally utter the three words hidden in the darkness for too long. “I love you.”

  Weightless. That is the only way to describe what uttering those three words has made me feel. Completely free for just a moment.

  The smile that spreads across his face is so radiant. I feel the rest of the darkness lift and hug him tightly. This man brings light back to my life, this man makes me want to work out my issues and this man is helping make me feel whole again.