Why Not Me? Read online

  Slinging my purse over my shoulder, I take a few calming breaths before leaving my car and entering the building. No one is at the front desk, in fact the entire open space is empty. This is my opportunity to leave, to walk out and not look back. I start to turn, but before I can take a step Landon comes out of an office I didn’t notice in my cursory glance.

  “Allie, I’m glad you made it.” His eyes scan over me, a trail of heat following the path of his gaze. He steps in close, pressing his thumb into the tender skin around the large bruise on my forehead. Before I can think about what I’m doing, I’m leaning into his touch, my eyes drifting shut.

  There is something unique about the way his hand feels on my skin. The connection is powerful, the draw instant, and I find myself falling into another memory.

  Landon is kissing my neck, specifically the spot that instantly makes me moan in need. The palms of his hands rub my back, before pressing into my lower back to pull me into his arms. It’s a stolen moment, one we shouldn’t be taking, but all common sense and morality flies out the window when we’re together.

  “Allie . . .” His words are tortured. He needs this as much as I do, but his guilt is starting to eat at him. He needs to make a choice.

  With a sharp breath, I jump back as I think about the consequences of what’s happening. He probably hasn’t thought about me since that night, or if he has they’ve been fleeting thoughts that don’t matter. He let go of us. Unlike me, I’ve never quite let go. Tears fill my eyes as pain shoots through my neck, but the pain in my heart is even worse.

  “Oh—shit—ow.” The words are a low groan, the pain in them a mixture of physical and emotional.

  “I hit you pretty hard yesterday. Hang your coat over there and then sit on that exam table over there.” The gravelly tone of his voice reminds me of every time we were together. It’s the first indication that he might be as impacted by my presence as I am his.

  I hang my coat, the burn of his eyes as they track me feels familiar. When I turn around, I let myself meet his gaze straight on. He’s intent, his blue eyes darkening as we stare at each other. I examine every feature, every twitch. And I see it. He feels everything I feel.

  The realization that this feeling isn’t one-sided is overwhelming. For so long I told myself I imagined our connection, but I know I’m not imagining this. So, what changed? What happened that night to make him so cold? Why her when the connection we have is so intense, so consuming?

  Landon is leaning against the door of his car when I leave work, chewing on my lower lip, I lock up with a barely restrained smile. He grins when he sees me, his long legs closing the distance between us. Waving goodbye to my coworker, I wrap myself in his arms.

  “I didn’t think I was going to see you today.” Closing my eyes, I breathe in the yummy scent of his cologne.

  “I told Melissa I was going to wash my car. I needed to see you,” he rasps, the desperation we feel in these stolen moments evident in his voice.

  Pain lances through me at the mention of her name. I know the situation is complicated, but I wish we didn’t have to sneak around while he deals with the end of their relationship.

  He feels me stiffen in his arms.

  “This isn’t forever, Allie. I promise. We have something here, something that’s been missing in my life. I just need more time.”

  He always needs more time, but when he tilts my head back and brushes his lips across mine, I let it slide. I know they’ve been through a lot together, I just hate this place we’re stuck in. It was never meant to go so far.

  “Okay,” I agree. It feels wrong, but the idea of losing him is too painful. Maybe this time he’ll follow through.

  He locks the door, the loud click distracting me from the memory. My stomach fills with knots as I walk over to the exam table. Licking my lips, I hop onto the smooth, vinyl surface. Unable to tear my eyes away from Landon, I watch every movement he makes as he picks up a clipboard and pen before striding over to me.

  His fingers start probing my neck, pausing when they get to my thundering pulse. I’m looking over his shoulder, avoiding the bright blue gaze I know is trained on me. He sighs, continuing his examination as he asks the question I was both hoping he would ask and wishing he wouldn’t.

  “Should we address the elephant in the room?” His voice is cautious, quiet.

  He continues his inspection, his eyes on what he’s doing while I ponder what I really want. I can feel him look at me as minutes pass and I still don’t say anything. When he comes to stand in front of me, I finally meet those brilliant blue eyes and I can’t look away. I always loved his eyes. They’re the color of sapphires, but the iris is rimmed in a gorgeous green. There’s heat there as they flick between mine, and the urge to lean forward is like a force pushing on my back.

  “It’s been seven years—are you sure you want to rehash everything?” Now that the offer is on the table, I don’t know if I can handle what he has to say, even though I know I need to hear it and he needs to say it. Face to face. The truth, out loud.

  “I wasn’t talking about that, I was talking about how, after all this time, our attraction hasn’t lessened and how badly I can tell our lips want—no need—to touch right now.” His hand wraps around the back of my neck squeezing in the way that makes me dizzy with want, his head tilting down as my pulse takes off again.

  Heat flares in my belly from a low burn to an inferno.

  For a brief second, I find myself leaning in, my chin lifting out of instinct, but then I freeze. I’m a horrible person. With tears in my eyes, I turn my head at the last moment. The soft press of those full lips against my cheek breathing a fire into my soul I haven’t felt in so long.

  “Landon, I can’t do this. I have a boyfriend. I can’t—I won’t go through this again.” I choke out the words, my voice cracking. “The last time shattered me.”

  He breathes in a shaky breath as he drops his hand, his eyes somber. “Our timing has always been shit.”

  Nodding, I grimace at the motion. “Maybe we should just finish up here.”

  Silence falls as he completes a variety of movement tests. The only words are requests to move my body this way or that way. By the time we wrap up, I have a list of exercises to complete three times a day and a demand to return in a week.

  The door beckons, an escape from this torture. Slipping my feet into my shoes, I pause when Landon speaks from behind me.

  “Allie, every moment from that night, every moment since I hung up that phone after hearing your voice for the last time, I’ve been filled with regret. I’d like to explain myself, if you’ll give me the chance.” He lifts my jacket from the rack, holding it for me while I slip my arms into the sleeves.

  A shiver runs through me when he runs his hands down my arms, almost as though he can’t help himself, or maybe it’s completely unconscious, the same way we used to just move together. This is how it’s always been between us, this spark that neither of us seem capable of denying. It’s intense and explosive, and it’s wreaking havoc on my heart.

  I look up at him, hugging my arms around myself. “Okay.” The word is barely audible, but Landon hands me his cell phone, primed for my phone number.

  Typing it in with shaky hands, I give it back to him and slip out the door with a quiet “goodbye.”

  It’s just for us to get closure. It means nothing.

  A small, bouncing ball of gray fuzz greets me as I walk in the front door. Crouching down, I pick up PeeWee and hug him to my chest. “Hey, buddy!”

  He snorts as he licks my cheek before wiggling to get down. I rescued PeeWee four years ago when he was five. No one wanted him because he’s a mutt with only three legs. Grinning as he brings me a toy to throw, I pick it up and toss it down the hall. Not even a missing leg slows him down as he scrambles after it.

  Tossing my jacket onto its hook, I go into the kitchen to grab a beer before dropping onto the couch. My cell finds its way into my hand, Allie’s contact information fi
lling the screen, before I realize I was looking for it.

  Seeing her again just reminded me of what I already knew, I should’ve never let her go. I made a choice, I should’ve stuck with it, but I was young and foolish. Memories of that night have haunted me since I hit “end” on the call.

  Melissa is crying on the couch, her eyes following me as I hold my cell up to my ear and walk out onto the balcony.

  The dial tone rings for a while before Allie’s voice comes on the line, muffled by loud dance music.

  Shit, it’s girls’ night out and here I am taking the cowards way out. I know if I tried to do this face to face, I would never be able to follow through, but I need to. My life—it’s just not simple anymore.

  The music is cut off, her soft voice coming across the line. I can hear her smile in how her voice sounds, but I couldn’t tell you what she’s saying. Turning to look into my apartment, I see Melissa typing away on her cell. Her face is flushed from her tears.

  Clearing my throat, I try to detach myself from the situation. “I can’t see you anymore, Allie.”

  Her voice changes, hurt filling it as she expresses her confusion. I say what I need to say to cut myself off from her before hanging up. Dropping my head into my hands, I allow myself a moment to grieve. This is not how this evening was supposed to go.

  The door slides open.

  “Is it over?” Melissa asks.

  Nodding, I force myself to turn around.

  She steps toward me, wrapping her arms around me. It feels wrong.

  “Let’s just forget this happened, move on. We need to.” My arms hang limply at my side, I can’t bring myself to return her embrace.

  “I know.” My voice is rough, but I take the hand she offers and follow her into the apartment. She’s right, in order for this to work we need to have a clean slate.

  “You’re home. How did your self-torture go?” Josh appears in front of the blank screen of the television, a mocking smirk pointed in my direction.

  Clicking my phone off, I lean my head back onto the cushion of the couch. “Shut up. It’s the least I can do after rear-ending her. Besides, she’s with that guy still. Anyway, I’m going to see her to explain what happened and we can leave it at that.”

  “Whatever, bro, I may be younger than you, but it’s clear that I have the higher IQ. You’ve never been able to let her go, not really. And if she’s involved with someone, you being in her life is a mistake. Just let her go.” He crosses his arms, giving me a pointed look.

  “Mind your own business,” I snap. “We’re not the same people. We’re older, wiser. I like to think we won’t make the same mistakes.”

  His words hit me where it hurts, because I know he’s right. The chemistry between us is off the charts. I don’t want her to do anything she’ll regret. We’ve already made the mistake once. My words feel hollow even to my own ears, seven years later and nothing has changed, at least in how she makes me feel.

  Downing the rest of my beer, I get up and head to the basement. Wrapping my wrists, I beat my frustration out on the punching bag. Somehow Allie and I have avoided running into each other for seven years, but less than a year after Melissa and I break up for good, suddenly our worlds have collided again.

  Why does she have to be with someone? I don’t want to lose her from my life again. Telling her we were over was one of the worst moments I’ve experienced, and the only reason I was able to do it is because I took the coward’s way out and did it over the phone.

  Typing in my code, my phone lights up to Allie’s information and I open a new message window.

  The letters of the keyboard taunt me as I debate what to write. Shaking my head, I laugh at myself. It feels like I’m nineteen again.

  Me: When can we have that discussion? I’d like to clear the air, maybe be friends?

  Friends. That word sucks, but I won’t let her go again, so if friends are all we can be, then friends will have to do. There’s something about Allie, she fills a void I don’t know I have until she’s taken it away.

  Allie: Friends, huh? We tried that seven years ago. We snuck around, nearly destroyed a relationship, and several people got hurt. That’s how great of friends we made.

  Me: I was nineteen, you were twenty. I think we’re more in check with our hormones now.

  Allie: I’m with Brendan right now, and I snuck into the bathroom to text you. It feels like foreshadowing of what’s to come. Or maybe a flashback of what was.

  Me: It doesn’t need to be like last time. Think about it and get back to me. I miss you. We were friends first, Allie.

  Allie: Look, I want to know what happened. I think closure is a good idea. As far as friendship, let’s see how our chat goes. If we decide to be friends, I’m going to be open with Brendan about it. Friends or not, he needs to know and feel comfortable with it.

  Me: When can we meet?

  Allie: Tomorrow. Brendan is meeting with some new clients, so I’m free.

  When I rejoin Josh in the living room our older brother, Kellan, is sitting with him on the large leather couch. He looks up at me from the laptop situated on his lap, his eyes narrowed into thin slits. “You’re a dumbass.”

  “Hello to you too, big brother.” I drop down onto my spot and pick up the remote, scrolling through our library of digital movies, ignoring my brothers as they stare at me.

  “Josh told me what you’re doing with Allie. There’s no way this ends well, for either of you.” His critical tone grinds on my already shot nerves. When he shuts the computer and sets it onto the table, I know he’s not done.

  “You don’t know what we’re talking about. I’m going to explain to her what happened, and then we’re going to be friends.” Crossing my legs at the ankles, I finally decide a re-watch of Community is in order.

  “A single man and a taken woman can’t just be friends. Not with the past you two have. You’re not nineteen anymore, the mistakes you make are no longer cute.” Kellan arches his brow at me.

  Ignoring him, I hunker down to watch one of the best shows ever while trying not to count down the hours until I can finally have a chance to explain myself to Allie. An opportunity I never thought I would get.

  He chuckles to himself, trying to get a rise out of me. It nearly works, but I bite my tongue. I’m not about to take advice from a dude who is twenty-nine and has never been in love.

  Allie’s the one who got away, and I’ll take her any way I can get, as pathetic as that sounds.

  Helping PeeWee out of my car, I set him on the ground and make my way to the entrance of the park where we arranged to meet. I’m early and Allie is nowhere in sight, so I sit on the bench, lifting PeeWee into my arms when he scratches at my leg.

  I’m talking to him, rubbing his chin when I hear her voice behind me. “I’m pretty sure bringing the world’s cutest dog is illegal when you’re meeting your ex-girlfriend to explain why you broke up with her over the phone.” Her tone is sarcastic, but lightened by the smile on her face as she comes around the bench to face me.

  She sits next to me and reaches out to pet PeeWee. He leans into it, his brown eyes closing as she finds the spot on his neck that he loves to have scratched.

  Allie looks stunning in a black down coat, red scarf, and matching beanie. Her dark brown hair falls in waves over her shoulders, my hands itch to reach over and feel the silky strands. I loop PeeWee’s leash around my wrist for something to do with my hands, otherwise my fingers would be running through the waves.

  “He needed his walk.” I shrug, unashamed that I brought him to soften her a bit. I knew her defenses would be up and this little scruff muffin has a knack for making even the most hard-assed people smile.

  “Well, let’s walk.” She stands up, tucking her hands into her pockets.

  We fall into stride next to each other, silent as we enter the trail. The cover of the trees shelters us from the frigid winter wind. Our breath fills the air with white fog as we walk.

  “Remember when we me
t and started hanging out how I was seeing Melissa? And then when we realized our connection and we became more, you knew I was still involved with her?” At first, there was a bit of a thrill to seeing two different women, until I realized the connection I had with Allie was real. Then it became obvious I needed to end things with Melissa.

  That was harder than I anticipated, given our history. We met in high school, hung out in the same crowd, and I helped her escape from her house when her parents were going through a brutal divorce. And then once I came to terms with the fact that it was no reason to cling to the relationship, there was always something going on in her life that made me feel guilty about leaving. She had surgery. Her grandma died. I could never find an opportune moment.

  “Of course, any morality flew out the window. When I was with you, I couldn’t think of anything other than how you made me feel. Besides, I believed you when you said you were waiting for the right time to break it off with her.” Her brows pinch together. “Then you finally told me you were going to do it, but you chose her over me in the end. Why her, Landon? Why not me?”

  I hate the sadness in her voice, the hurt that still lingers after all this time.

  “After you left my house that morning, Melissa showed up at my door a few hours later. I’d invited her over because I was planning on ending it with her, like I told you I was. Before I could, she handed me a pregnancy test. It was positive.” My stomach clenches as I remember seeing her that afternoon, looking absolutely devastated.

  She confronted me over Allie, calling me out for cheating on her and threatening to withhold access to our child. She wanted me to commit to her, give things a chance, and even though I knew things with her would never be quite what I had with Allie, I also knew that we had been happy before.

  Allie inhales a sharp breath, her eyes shooting to mine before returning to the path. Her breaths start coming faster, and I’m not even sure she’s aware that she’s walking faster, her face closed off.