All About Us Read online

  “You’re right . . . but . . .”

  “Wait! Did you just admit that I’m right?! We need to commemorate this moment. Where is a knife? I need to carve that in this tree so we can come here and remember this in the years to come!” Alex keeps going like this and I can’t contain my laughter. He has always been so good at shifting a mood.

  After his dad left, even with his mother losing her marbles he stayed positive and such a bright shining star. The best day was when he moved in with us and I knew my best friend was safe. He had nightly nightmares, but I would crawl in bed with him and we would share ghost stories, or make jokes. My parents quit trying to stop us as they quickly realized nothing was going on and gradually Alex’s nightmares came to an end. Throughout it all, no one truly knows what he had been through before he moved in with us. He still hasn’t fully opened up to me, not because he doesn’t trust me, but because he always tries to protect me.

  “You know what?” I nudge Chandler into a canter as I see my field up ahead and take off. “Catch me, loser!” Laughing as we shoot off, Alex’s cursing fades as we leave him in our dust.

  The wind blows my long hair back as we pick up speed. The rush that comes with flying across the landscape, feeling the power of the horse moving underneath me, has no comparison. The worries from the day disperse from my mind as we race over the hill. It’s been a long time since I just let Chandler go and pick up speed to however fast he wants. Laughing as we charge across the landscape, my hair whipping out behind me, I feel free.

  Knowing Alex will have at most bumped Serenity up to a trot, I reluctantly turn and start to make my way back. As I look towards where I left Alex I’m shocked as I see him and Serenity cantering towards me. Jaw dropping I watch as they get closer and I see the huge grin on Alex’s face.

  It has been six years since I got my own horses and started trying to get Alex to ride. He never went above a trot. To see him at a canter and with a smile on his face must signify some weird atmospheric shift. As he comes to a stop alongside us, I look at him and then start scanning the sky.

  “What are you looking for?”

  “Flying pigs. Because the last time I tried to get you to go faster than a trot your exact words were, when pigs fly.”

  “She kind of just took off before I could rein her in and it was fun. What can I say, you were right. I didn’t really think about how thrilling it would be.”

  Staring at him, I’m at a loss for words. Shaking my head I grin at Alex and start planning all the different things we can do. “We’re going to have so much fun! I have so much to teach you, but for now we should head back. You’re going to be sore tomorrow.”

  We spend the rest of the day working. Alex runs his own online graphic business and has a backlog of things he needs to work on. He looks after all of my digital promotions. Teasers, website, banners, trailers, you name it and he can do it.

  The fact that both of us work from home has been a blessing and a curse. Times like today we are both in the zone and really productive. I will read bits of my book to him and he will get my opinion on a website or promotion he is working on. Other times all we do is distract each other. This one time we had an all-out food fight when I began throwing popcorn at him during a writing block. It was glorious until we had to clean it up.

  Thinking of this, I pick up some popcorn and start throwing the kernels at him.

  “Hey! Remember what happened last time.” Laughing we both hold our hands up in surrender and go back to work.

  As I’m writing, my thoughts wander back to the dark recesses of my mind and pull out all of my worries about Dane. The words flowing from my fingertips reflect the pain and confusion I feel over how to proceed. This new novel, not the one I should be working on, is a reflection of everything I keep locked inside. It may never get published but I’m hoping it helps me release everything I hold inside.

  Since being back home I have come to realize how much I need to deal with my grief. The words flow from my fingers and it’s therapeutic in a heartbreaking way.

  In order to address my loss, I first needed to deal with the guilt at being the cause of the loss . . .

  I abruptly stop as those words flow from my fingertips. Oh holy hell.

  Memories of that evening flood my senses. My little commuter car had broken down once again and I called my parents. They had been offering their car for months because they felt mine wasn’t safe, but I hadn’t taken them up on their offer, saying I would buy a new one soon.

  It was on their way to get me that the semi-truck smashed into them. It’s always been at the forefront of my mind that it’s my fault they died, but I have never put voice to those thoughts and writing it out makes it seem all the more real.

  Glancing sideways at Alex, I wipe the tears forming in my eyes. Because of my stupid need to keep my car instead of using their car I caused them to be away from home when they would have been crawling into bed. If it wasn’t for me they would be alive.

  No longer wanting to see the words, I shut my laptop and turn on the TV. A reality show is on and I decide to leave it. Alex gives me a surprised look, but I pointedly keep my face turned towards the screen as they hold some kind of vote about who gets eliminated.

  As the show ends, I turn as Alex gets up and groans when his back cracks. Smiling at him as he leans down to hug me, I’m so glad to have him in my life.

  “I’m done for the night, Em. Love you.” Alex kisses my forehead.

  “Love you too.”

  Sitting there alone I scan the channels until I find a Friends marathon. My mind is not really on the show, but at least my senses aren’t being flooded with the feelings surrounding the Dane situation or, even worse, thinking to myself about the fact that my parents died because of me.

  Four hours and countless Friends episodes later, I finally turn off the TV when I doze off and fall off the couch. Reluctantly, slowly, I climb up the stairs and crawl into bed. Staring at the ceiling, I fight my eyes as they droop, heavy with sleep, for as long as I can, but inevitably I fall asleep.

  A pounding noise wakes me and I jump out of bed startled. It’s dark outside and as my brain slowly wakes up I realize I just slept most of the day. The pounding continues and I realize it’s at the front door so I rush out of my room and down the stairs as Lia opens the door.

  The guy from Emma’s stands at my door in jeans that are unbuttoned. Does the guy not know how to put fucking clothes on?

  He looks at Lia and the murderous gaze on his face disappears as she stands silent in the doorway. My body starts shaking as he blatantly checks her out in front of me. What a dickhead.

  “Can we fucking help you?” I snap at him.

  His rips his gaze away from my sister and if I was easily intimidated, the look on his face would scare me. Good thing I’m not.

  “You!” He shakes his finger at me and carefully steps past Lia. “You need to come with me. I need to show you something.”

  “Why would I go anywhere with you?” Planting my feet, I cross my arms in challenge. I feel Ryan come to stand behind me.

  “You are going to come with me because you are making a mistake. I’m tired of it impacting someone I love the way it is. You need to see what you’re doing to her.” I’m confused on what mistake he is referring to but the second he utters the word love my feet propel me down the stairs and I get in his face.

  “A little hypocritical coming from you, isn’t it?” I look pointedly at Lia, who is still standing silent in the doorway.

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about, but we can do this the easy way or the hard way. It’s your choice.” I’m about to shove him out the door when I hear Ryan’s voice over the roar of rage in my ears.

  “Go with him Dane. It’s not up for discussion.” Hurt floods through me as Ryan and Lia stand together, pointing out the door. Lia’s eyes keep flickering to the guy standing there. Confusion deflates some of the anger, why is she looking at Emma’s man that way?

 
“Fine! Thanks for having my back.” They both roll their eyes and shut the door behind me as I shuffle forward, grumbling under my breath.

  “Who are you anyways?” I demand of him. My tone of voice is rude and I know Mom would smack me if she were here.

  “Alex.” His voice is tight and I realize he is shaking. Anger radiates off him and I’m even more confused.

  He opens the door and filtered screams sound from upstairs. Abruptly stopping, shock pushes the anger away and I look at Alex. I remember him calling on her first night . . . But she said she didn’t have a boyfriend. I’m so confused.

  “What the fuck?”

  Alex explodes at my question and I can’t even keep up with the string of curses and ranting he is directing at me. My feet propel me to follow him up the stairs, towards the screams that rip my heart out chunk by chunk.

  “You left without even giving her a chance to talk to you. I’m basically her fucking brother and because you can’t act like a man, she’s thrust back to where she was before coming here. Way to fucking ruin her sanctuary. You need to fucking fix this and if you ever do this to her again, your face won’t be nearly so pretty.” Brother. That one word filters through the fog of confusion in my head. He’s like her brother.

  Shit.

  We’re singing along to My Fault by Imagine Dragons and I’m laughing at my dad’s animated gestures. Smiling as I look to my right, I falter at the hostility on Dane’s face. I reach over to try to communicate with him but he turns away from me. I force a smile on my face as Dad continues to joke around and Mom is smiling at his antics, both oblivious to the tension in the back seat.

  Mom has never tired of Dad’s humor and neither have I. He is one of the funniest people I know and is always coming up with some new joke to tell us. Despite this, I’m forcing my laughs rather than truly enjoying his jokes. My mom, on the other hand, is soft spoken, kind, gentle and generous. They complement each other perfectly and I can’t believe how lucky I am to have them.

  Sighing with regret that I’m not enjoying their visit more, I turn to look out the window. My mind wanders between the upcoming weekend and all that I have planned for my parents visit and ways to try to sort things out with Dane. He has been so distant and I can’t stand it. Squealing tires break into my thoughts. Quickly looking to the right, my mother and I scream as a semi-truck comes careening into us . . .

  “No!” Sobbing, I rouse a little from the dream as I scream at the scene in my head. It continues to play over and over as I’m trapped in a half dream state.

  “Enough is fucking enough!” Faintly I hear Alex’s voice break through my cries as he storms downstairs and slams the front door. Unable to pull myself from the nightmare I’m stuck in, my consciousness turns back inward.

  I gaze on from beside the car as the firemen try to put the fire out. I am screaming at them to save my parents and Dane but they ignore me. I can still hear their screams and see the fear in their eyes. I didn’t even get to tell them I loved them . . .

  Raised voices and inhuman cries break through the dream. Chloe is whining at my door but I don’t have the strength to get up and let her in. Curling in on myself I try to distinguish between reality and dream. The horrifying screams scare me and I realize they are coming from me . . . but I can’t stop them.

  “You have no fucking idea what this immature avoidance bullshit is doing to her. Do you hear that you asshole?” Alex’s rant and Dane’s muffled response somehow breaks through to me before I’m sucked back into my never-ending nightmare.

  I look to my side and see Dane standing next to me. I don’t know how he got out of the car but he is right there. Reaching for him my hand drops as he looks at me in disgust and walks away.

  “Oh my God . . . I didn’t know.”

  “Get your head out of your ass then, there is a lot you don’t know. Now I’m going back to bed. She is worth it man, but you need to decide if you are going to put in the work.” Their voices make their way into the background of my semiconscious state, I try to tune into them rather than the pictures in my mind but I’m too far gone.

  I can’t chase after Dane with my parents still in the car and it feels like a part of me is being torn out. Returning to screaming for my parents, I fall to the ground as they quit trying to put out the flames and move to containing them instead. Sobs wrack my body until I can’t breathe and everything goes black.

  Hands grip my shoulders as I shake and cry. Jolting up, I can’t see who is in my room with me, my eyes are swollen with tears and everything is a blur.

  Gasping for air, I swing my legs over the side of the bed and rest my head between my knees. This is the worst dream I’ve had since moving back home and my lungs feel like they are collapsing with the effort to get enough oxygen. My body hurts with how hard I’m crying and my stomach lurches with the need to stop the images.

  I’m on my feet as my stomach roils and race blindly to my bathroom, making it in time as I begin heaving. Hands gently gather my hair from my face and rub my back as my stomach empties. When I’m sure I am done, I slowly turn expecting to see Alex. Dane’s bright green eyes stare back at me and I vaguely recall hearing his voice in my dream. Dropping my head, I brush past him to the sink. Gripping the sides of the sink, I breathe deeply before lifting my face to examine myself in the mirror.

  A stranger stares back at me. Green eyes dull and red, face splotchy from crying, hair tangled; the face that stares back at me is the broken girl I thought was starting to go away. Loading up my toothbrush, I finally address Dane, “What are you doing here?” I’m weary from my dream and honestly, the thought of addressing what happened only exhausts me further. He needs to leave so I can recuperate my mind and body.

  “Alex came and got me.”

  “He shouldn’t have. I want you to go home.” Turning away from him, I quickly brush my teeth and wash my face. When I’m done, he’s still standing in my bathroom so I walk to my bedroom door and then crawl back into bed facing away from him.

  Chloe jumps in and lays against my stomach. Burying my face into her neck, I listen for Dane to leave. When my bed shifts as he sits next to me, I sigh in exasperation. Try talking to the man for two days, nothing. Tell him to go away and he won’t leave.

  “Seriously, Dane . . . I can’t do this right now. Please go away.”

  “No. We don’t need to talk, we can do that later, but I’m not leaving.”

  Sitting up, tears filling my eyes, “Why? Why won’t you leave? I don’t want you here. I don’t need anyone else. I can take care of myself. Besides, if I do need someone, I have Alex.” Dane flinches at the mention of Alex and I wonder what happened when they talked. “Out of everyone, he is the one who has never left. They were essentially his parents too, go get him. Don’t bother yourself by being here, wasting your time.”

  “You’re not a waste of my time, Emma. I’m not leaving.” Pain fills his eyes and despite the hurt and need I had felt to fix things, in this moment I can’t bring myself to care. Everything hurts too much right now.

  Throwing myself down, I know there is no point in arguing with him. He has his mind set and I’m not going to be able to change it. Closing my eyes and breathing in Chloe’s comforting scent, I jump when his hands tentatively start rubbing circles on my back. Stiffening against his touch, my body battles with what my heart wants and what my head is telling it to do.

  Slowly I relax into his touch, I’m still conflicted, but as usual my heart has won this battle. I’m too exhausted to fight anymore anyways. Dane breathes out a sigh and slowly gets himself settled next to me. He is clearly trying to give me space as the only part of him touching me is his hands. Gradually I start to drift out again, lulled into sleep by the consistent rhythm of his hands.

  Sweat drips down my back and my face is pressed into the crook of a neck. Freezing, I slowly lean my head back and look at who I’ve plastered myself against. My eyes slowly take in a chiseled jaw with the right amount of scruff, leaning back a littl
e further I take in the rest of Dane’s sleeping face.

  He looks so relaxed and he is as wrapped around me as I am him. My leg is tucked between his and I’m engulfed tightly in his arms. No wonder I’m so damn hot, but it also feels right and that frightens me. The past couple of days have been challenging and that’s only after a month of him being back in my life and one kiss. I cannot imagine how I would break if we went further and it didn’t last.

  After assessing how tangled we are, I realize I cannot remove myself without waking him up. My body and my heart are at war with my mind and as my eyes droop heavy with sleep, I suspect I know which is going to win.

  Light streams through the window and I bury my face into my pillow. It’s time to talk to Dane, and seeing as he’s in my bed there is no time to prepare. Cautiously, I turn around only to see the spot he had occupied early this morning is empty. Glancing at the clock, I’m surprised to see it is only seven in the morning.

  I roll out of bed and pad slowly to my window. As I look down, my eyes are drawn to the tree in front of my porch. Dane sits on the grass in front of my house, lost in thought. I’m not sure what time he left my room this morning, but I know it’s time to face him. Straightening my shoulders, I take a deep breath as I turn away from the window. Here I go.

  I’m a colossal jackass.

  I’ve been sitting outside her house for 45 minutes and all I can think is how much of a dick I’ve been to someone I tell myself I love. When Ryan came out and saw me sitting on the grass, the look of self-loathing on my face he told me to stay and that he would look after the chores until I talked to Emma. The disappointment I could sense underlying his words adds to the ways in which I’ve fucked up.