All About Us Read online

  That scene plays over in my head as I get ready to go for breakfast; it has been taunting me every day. Dane’s flirting is wearing me down and I’m not sure how much longer I can hold out.

  Reflecting back to the conversation Alex and I had the night before, I ponder what he had said. He suggested I start flirting back. He figures it would be a good way to see if it was the chase that was appealing to Dane as he would likely stop if that was the case. That thought scares me too, the temptation is hard to deal with but to know for sure that I’m a conquest would be painful.

  The more I think about the idea though; I waver on the possibility of changing my tactics. Currently I’m not getting anywhere, but I’m still on the fence about whether it’s a good idea.

  My head is muddled with these thoughts as I feed my horses and ensure nothing happened to them overnight. Checking on the girls takes longer than usual because, if I’m being honest with myself, I’m in the avoidance stage of any decision I need to make. As I ponder calling Alex to talk with him I glance over and see Lia stalking purposefully towards me.

  “Ahem, breakfast is at 8:30 sharp! It’s now 8:35.” Her tone of voice is stern, but I see the laughter in her eyes as she scolds me. Unable to prevent the grin that follows those words we both start laughing.

  “I know, I know. I was on my way.” Lia looks at me and I can see she is deciding whether or not to say something. “Go on; say what you want to say.”

  “You have been through so much and I know how scared you are of experiencing more loss. But I see the way you and Dane look at each other, and the way he interacts with you. Why don’t you give it a shot? You could be happy. You know, rather than doing this avoidance thing you have going on.” She looks at me expectantly. Opening my mouth, no words come out so I shut it again. “I know you’re worried about it being obvious to Dane but it’s not, if that makes any difference.”

  Breathing a sigh of relief, I meet her eyes, “I just don’t know if I can . . .” I whisper. Gazing back at me steadily she nods reluctantly and drops the subject.

  In that moment I decide to sit down with her and open up about my fears. She has stood by my side throughout the years and the distance, understanding me every step of the way, and she deserves to know. Plus we haven’t had a chance to have any real girl time since I came. There have been several horse emergencies with her clients and after two solid weeks of organizing, cleaning, ordering and unpacking my house is finally all settled in.

  As we walk to the house together in silence I decide it’s time to rectify that. “Come over this afternoon for some gab time. We haven’t had a chance yet and I really want to spend quality time with you.” The smile that spreads across Lia’s face is contagious. She hugs me and we walk, arms wrapped around each other into the kitchen where Ryan is waiting with a scowl on his face. Lia and I look from Ryan to each other and burst out laughing. His expression says it all; don’t keep a man from his food.

  We have just started eating when Dane bursts in through the door. Snickering at the look Lia sends him for being late I turn around, “There is none left for you. I’m eating it all!” I may not be fully decided on how to proceed with my feelings and the flirting, but I can’t help myself from teasing him a little bit.

  Grinning while I grab his plate and go to tuck it under the table. He arches a brow at me before lunging towards me. Squeaking, I duck under the table to hand Lia the plate before he has grabbed my ankles and pulled me out. Everyone is laughing until tears are running. I’m smirking at him until I catch the look in his eyes.

  “Don’t you dare . . .” I start before he begins to tickle me. Laying screaming on the floor in fits of uncontrollable laughter I beg him to stop. This play is different from when he flirts with me. This is what I am used to with Dane, the way things always were and I love that despite the undeniable attraction I have for him we still have this. He finally stops and I curl up on the floor catching my breath. Crawling to my knees, I allow him to help me up and smile at the shine of laughter in his eyes. As we sit back down at the table, I glance at Lia as she hands Dane a plate heaping with food. She winks at me and I shake my head.

  Over breakfast Lia and I excitedly talk about our girl’s afternoon until the guys heads are spinning with chats about mud masks, pedicures and sexy romance novels.

  “When are you starting the final novel?” She asks impatiently.

  “I was going to start it soon, but maybe I should hold out just to tease you a little more.” I grin at the scowl that crosses her face. “Or I could start it next week . . .” She grins and does a fist pump in the air.

  She talks excitedly about her favorite parts from book one until we’re the only two left in the kitchen. Looking at the clock, I start at how much time has passed. “Holy shit! Time flies when you’re having fun. I’m going to go work with Serenity for a bit, I will see you at one.”

  A couple of hours later Serenity and I are making our way out of the trails that wind through my acreage. It was the first time I have explored the 10 acres since I was a child and it felt surreal to be riding through there again. I love the peace and quiet of the forest and the openness of my little field.

  As I rode and thought about my brief time back home, I realized that my nightmares have reduced to less than three times a week, whereas previously they had been multiple in a night. And the last time we went into town I did not have a panic attack, although that has more to do with Dane holding my hand and sitting next to me the whole time than me actually overcoming my anxiety. I had been able to laugh and joke with everyone, never once needing to retreat into my safe place. Being home is slowly healing me, and I suspect that Dane has a lot to do with it.

  I finish my ride in no less of a conundrum of how to approach my attraction to him, his pursuing of me, and the obvious challenge that I am providing for him. The heat that runs through my veins at a simple thought of him hints at more than lust or simple attraction, but I’m good at denying the obvious. I need to talk to Alex again . . .

  Maybe Lia too, especially since I have seen Yvette’s name show up on his phone a few times over the past couple of weeks. I want to trust her when she says that he looks at me differently, but I also know that her hopes of us getting together may overshadow the truth of what she is seeing. Despite Lia’s painful relationship history, she only wants a true love story for those she cares about.

  As Serenity and I walk to the paddock I glance over at the house and almost fall out of my saddle. Dane is bathing Charger and his shirt is off. The muscles of his back ripple as he soaps Charger up and rinses him off.

  As I’m staring he turns around while he works through the tail. Seeing me sitting on Serenity, he faces me fully and waves with a shout of acknowledgment. I wave back as I drink in the sight of his well-defined abs from the safety of the distance between us. The man is built, he is book cover worthy and I can’t help but envision him on one of my covers.

  Realizing I’m still staring, I hop off Serenity and quickly take off her saddle and bridle. Grabbing the brush from the bin by the gate I rub her down while sneaking glances at Dane who has gone back to bathing his horse. How am I supposed to stay away from him? He’s funny, extremely attractive, kind, willing to take control and the way he makes my heart flutter is just unnerving. He is the full package of compassionate and kind but with the alpha in him that makes my knees weak.

  Leading Serenity into the paddock, I glance over to see Lia heading over. I didn’t realize how much time had passed so I quickly brush Belle down to give her some attention too and meet Lia by the gate.

  “I brought all the staples. Cookies n’ cream chocolate, Laffy Taffy, Skittles and, just for fun, Pop Rocks.” She holds up a huge sack of junk food.

  “You brought Pop Rocks? Yes!!” Those were our choice treats for sleepovers when we were growing up and I cannot wait to relive those memories. We head into the house with Chloe on our heels, laughing about previous girls nights.

  An hour later we are s
urrounded by candy and watching Dirty Dancing. We both love the movie and randomly quote our favorite parts. As we’re watching I am trying to decide on how to broach the subject of my anxiety around losing people, and open up about my struggles. This is a big step for me and I can’t help but be a little nervous.

  I decide to take the plunge and angle my body towards her. Feeling the shift in my attitude, she pauses the movie and turns her body towards me. I take a deep breath and just start. I tell her about how the semi-truck crushed my parent’s bodies so badly that I couldn’t bury them, they have a headstone but nothing else.

  How it felt being at the scene of the accident as my world crashed around me. I had always been close to my parents. Their loss in such a traumatic way and before their time resonated deep within my core. I detail how the entire car was basically a pancake and after seeing it I could hardly bear to be in a small vehicle, hence the anxiety and panic attacks.

  I open up about my nightmares reliving the crash, often with myself as a clairvoyant being outside the vehicle witnessing their deaths or even sometimes physically with them in the car.

  Following this with Johnathan ending things because he couldn’t deal with my grief, nightmares and anxiety, that it was “too hard” to be with me. Then learning he found someone new in less than two weeks.

  The only bright spot in my life had been Alex. I talk about how he worked with me on my car anxiety so I could sit in the front seat of smaller vehicles. How he dropped everything to stay with me so that when I had nightmares he could come in and comfort me. How his girlfriend left him out of jealousy because she couldn’t understand our sibling bond and he never blinked an eye because if she didn’t understand then she wasn’t the one. He had helped me stabilize myself to the point where I was able to function day to day.

  Then less than one month later my grandfather passing away leaving me without a family and ripping open the wound even further when it had no time to start healing. Expressing the feeling of having a huge scar on my heart, just waiting for more damage to tear it open creating more anxiety about losing the few I had left in my life is challenging. As I speak both my eyes and Lia’s are filled with tears. I know she is feeling the raw pain as I wrench my story from deep inside. It feels good to talk about it, I know I need to more often, but it is still painful and a nightmare will likely occur tonight.

  “Making the decision to move up here was the first time I had felt peace. It gave me something to focus on other than the grief and anxiety, a sense of purpose. I am lucky that my job allows me the flexibility to take a break and coming up here has been healing. I don’t have the nightmares every night anymore, I can ride in the car and when I think about my parents the pain is lessened because I have the sense of family and connection that I needed. I’m starting to be able to think of them with the happiness of memories, instead of searing pain.

  “But Lia, you guys and Alex are all that I have left in terms of family. The thought of doing anything to lose that tears me apart and I don’t know that I could recover from it. It’s too much.”

  She takes a deep breath as she wipes her eyes. “I cannot imagine how horrifying that was for you. And I wish I had been able to do something to help.” She holds up a hand as I start to protest, “No, Em, the phone calls weren’t enough. But I’ve seen how Dane calmed you in the vehicle, and how you look at each other. You can’t deny the attraction, plus the impact he has had on your healing.”

  “You’re right; he has helped, a lot. I’m not denying it. But Yvette is still calling him and all I see is that I’m someone who hasn’t given in to his charm. You know me too well to pretend I don’t have feelings for him, but I’m scared to act on them. I can’t lose you guys too!”

  “I don’t know why Yvette is still calling, but I can tell you that if there was something going on with her he wouldn’t be flirting with you. Now, onto the more important point. There is nothing, NOTHING that could ever happen to cause you to lose us.”

  I give her a hard hug and whisper, “I will think about what you’re saying. I will. Thank you, I love you.”

  “I love you too.” The thing I love about Lia is that she knows when to stop. She starts the movie up again and we go back to our girl time.

  A few hours later we have eaten more than our fill of junk food, finished watching Dirty Dancing and Pitch Perfect. When I had found out that Lia hadn’t seen Pitch Perfect, I made it mandatory for her to stay and watch it.

  We both stretch and groan at our full bellies. The afternoon has been wonderful. It feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders by opening up to Lia. The afternoon was what I needed. I’m so much more relaxed about the Dane situation, despite still not having come to a decision. It was also nice pampering myself with a pedicure and facial.

  Lia stands and stretches, “I better get going, I need to cook supper for when the guys get home.” We walk to the door and I give her a hug.

  “Thank you for understanding. I’m glad I opened up; Alex is always telling me I need to talk about it more. I hate it when he’s right.” She squeezes me again before heading home.

  I’m tired of waiting.

  After supper I called Alex to have our nightly chat. He was acting cagey which is not typical for him but all he would say is that everything is fine and to stop worrying. Instead he diverted me by asking if I had started writing and scolded me when I said no. So here I am, an hour later, sitting on the couch in my most well-loved sweats and retro Mario t-shirt. They are ratty and old, but man do I ever love them. This is my usual writing attire and one of the reasons why I typically don’t write when there are other people around.

  It is time to stop putting off starting my new book. My laptop sits in front of me and I’m watching the cursor blink at me expectantly. The story isn’t flowing like it usually does in the beginning; instead my mind is being pulled into a million new directions. I know I need to get started on the final book of my current series but as my fingers start to flow over the keyboard something entirely different begins to take shape.

  A couple of hours pass and the story that has begun to unfold is familiar to me, it’s reminiscent of the emotions swirling through me about Dane. Stretching my arms above my head as I read over the last paragraph, I abruptly shut my laptop in frustration.

  The story is something I can work with but I’m feeling flustered by the constant presence Dane has in my mind. His constant lingering in my thoughts is wearing on me. I’m sitting staring at my laptop, pondering my conversations with Lia and Alex when a knock sounds at my door. Chloe looks up from my feet and growls a bit but I hush her. Getting up, I set my laptop aside and hurry to get the door, glancing at the clock on my way, 10:00 p.m. Odd, I hope everything is okay.

  Swinging the door open, I gape as I take in Dane standing on my stoop. Unable to resist checking him out, my eyes run over his body. He is wearing sweat pants that accentuate his muscular thighs and well defined member. My body heats up at the sight of how well-endowed he is and I quickly move up examining his black t-shirt to his grinning face. He hands me a carton of ice cream as my face burns. Moving aside to let him in, he waits for me to pass so I can lead the way to the kitchen. Quickly grabbing a couple of spoons, I turn in time to see him sit on my couch and grin mockingly at me.

  “Nice look, very . . . umm . . . cozy.”

  Part of my brain is stuck on how good he looks sitting on my couch while the other cringes at how unsexy I look. He continues to grin at me as his eyes rake over my t-shirt and sweats, the grin transforms into a smile as though he can’t contain himself.

  I narrow my eyes as I watch his gaze take in my attire before finally settling on my messy braid and makeup free face.

  Having him here, in my home, brings up the battle that I’ve been fighting internally. Should I just sit down and eat ice cream with him, hold everything in, or should I act on my feelings and see where it leads. Anxiety is always at the forefront of my inner struggle, but Lia’s words flash through
my mind . . . I won’t lose them, no matter what.

  As I meet his gaze I can feel the challenge in his eyes, almost as though he knows this is a turning point in our relationship. The woman attracted to him wins out as I decide to heed Alex’s advice and find my inner temptress.

  A smile spreads across my face and I prowl over to where he is sitting. His eyes widen fractionally and I can tell he can’t quite figure out the look on my face. Stopping in front of him, I gather my courage and to his shock straddle him. It’s barely discernable but I see him swallow hard as I sit down right on . . .

  Oh my . . .

  His reaction to my boldness is apparent and I work hard to keep my features neutral. The feeling of his length hardening beneath me is arousing and resisting reacting to his unexpected hardness combined with the immediate response of my body is one of the most difficult things I have ever done. Damn you Dane. I lean forward putting more weight down, causing some friction.

  Oh holy hell, I’d better be careful or I’m going to create a situation more embarrassing than the water trough incident.

  “Are you making fun of me?” I whisper looking into his eyes. I can see the heat building there and my heart stutters. Needing to maintain control, I lean forward to press my lips to his ear, grinning as he sucks in a sharp breath.

  “I’m not going to give you the satisfaction of riling me up. Two can play this game, and trust me when I say that I can play it better.” Dragging myself away from him with attempted nonchalance I make my way back into the kitchen to grab the ice cream I left on the counter. I don’t miss the way his jaw has dropped before his mocking smirk is back in place.

  I hope I know what I’m getting into. This test could be dangerous to my already fragile heart.